I'm Not Who I Once Was....The Next Phase

A Saturday at home...ahhh :)

2012-03-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

Well I don't know about "at home"...but I'm not hiking in the mountains today. I'm sure it's lovely, but I bet the trails are a muddy mess and there are downed trees because we had 2 mean storm cells pass over the Smokies the last couple of nights.

I slept in til about 8:30, then got up and went to the gym and hit up a mean spin class for an hour, then did abs and worked out my triceps. Then as a well deserved treat I dawned my bathing suit and spent about 10 minutes in the hot tub whirlpool thing and watched kiddos and their parents swim in the heated gym pool. Then I hit the sauna for 5 minutes (I just couldn't handle any more of it)

My gym seriously rocks. The particular branch I go to was just opened in Sept of 2010, and it has so much great stuff (olympic size pool and a smaller one for kids and such, whirl pool, steam room and sauna, spin room, yoga room, big group fitness room, double sized basketball court, a cardio theater with tons of elipticals & treadmills, but only 3 bikes, then a huge cardio area with 20 flat screens showing 10 channels, so each side is a mirror of the other...then a big area with a whole bunch of strength training machines, then a big area with the free weights, dumbells and such, and a women's only workout room) We really are blessed to have all of this available and it's only $64 a month for both my husband and I, which is a very good deal. And we have the ability to go to the other gyms owned by this company, and there are at least 4 within a 30 mile radius...so it's awesome.

Anyway...back to me. So this week is really going well. I've been working out, doing a bit better with my eating. But I had some serious donut cravings last night, and as I fell asleep I thought "after the gym I'm going to get me some...no one will ever know". But this morning, after that awesome workout, I just came straight home. It's a fight learning to say "NO!" to yourself. Infact I think it's the hardest person to say no to...but it has to be done. I've stepped on the scale a few times, and it is going down, but very slowly, and I'm just going to have to be okay with that since I'm not willing to do more than I'm doing at the moment. I get the results based on the work I put in, and I can't expect anything different.

Well, I'm going to shower and get ready to go to this CSA fair. David is meeting me there, and we'll decide on a farm and go for it. It's a beautiful day here, so we may come back and put down some much needed mulch in the yard.

Have a good one!

What's your thoughts on CSA's?

2012-03-01T13:21:00.002-05:00

So I'm thinking of heading to a local wholefoods store Saturday where they are having a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) fair. Basically all these local farmers come out and tell you about their farms, and for a fee of $15 - $25 a week you can sign up to receive a bushel (or some measurement) of their harvest each week. I think the idea is GREAT! I'm just trying to decide can I make the pick up each week... I think I'd really like to. Most of them are organic and don't use genetically modified seeds and such. Most of them have a pickup at the farmers market in Knoxville on Wednesdays, and I think it'd be a great reason to get me to the farmers market to do shopping anyway.

Anyone out there ever participated in a CSA program? What's your thoughts?

The scale finally stopped going up....

2012-02-29T08:28:00.005-05:00

It's been a week since I got my head outta my arse and started getting myself back to the gym, and stopped the sugar/fat craving cycle frenzy I was in. Have I been perfect, heck no, but compared to the last 2 months of insane binging (I guess that's the word to use when a person eats a crap load of sugar and fat, and just keeps eating it til they are sick because even though they've had more than their stomach wants, their head keeps telling them "more!" and then an hour or two later it tells them "more!" again), it's been a much healthier eating week.

I've also been faithful to the gym and working out. I worked out Wed, Thurs, Fri, hiked Saturday, Mon, and then yesterday it was 69 degrees outside so David and I took our bikes out and did a good tuff ride for a little over an hour. We were pushing it because I told him I didn't want to do this and go to the gym today. So I made it my workout.

I'd love to say I lost a whole bunch of weight, but the scale showed a 2lb loss. And let me tell you I am just thankful to have stepped on the scale and not seen it going up again. Down is a much better feeling. But since I don't want to blow rainbows up my own arse, I know that I could have done better...there were several choices I could have made better decisions about, there needs to be more measuring of portions and less Clif bars, etc. I am going to push it hard this week...I've decided to. I want my bracelet, and 2lbs a week is just not going to cut it for this impatient girl. And I'm ready to be back at my birthday low weight of 215. I feel those extra 15lbs. So it will be a better week! Going to Core, and Body Combat class today, then going to work out my Shoulders and Biceps. What's your plan for this week?

Pictures from Yesterday's bike ride:

(Please ignore the glasses...I was trying to give my eyes a break from contacts...I hate wearing glasses)

(my husband likes to do the walking on water photos...ha!)

A "feely" spin class...

2012-02-27T19:48:00.005-05:00

Have I mentioned how I hate Mondays? Okay, I don't "hate" them, as I'm glad to get to be alive another day, but man my work motivation takes forever to get going. I was somewhat productive work wise, but had those "I'm bored so I should eat" feelings. I made mostly good choices, took a walk outside every now and then since it was a sunny 62 today.

I did not get up and go workout this morning early, but I did talk myself into getting my arse to the gym this evening. I did an hour Spin class which was excellent. Our normal instructor was out, and we had a sub and she was fantastic, except she played all these "feely inspirational" songs. Like Melissa Etheridge's "I run for life", and Wideawakes "Livestrong", and some instrumental pieces, and I got all teary thinking about my dad (but he didn't have cancer which those 2 songs are about). Somehow my mind went to thinking about my health, and then about my dad would have been 60 this year, and in the middle of a running interval on the bike I started tearing up. That's not normal in spin class. But I'm one of those folks who pays attention to the lyrics more than the musical part of songs (though I love me some good tunes) and it just made me miss him. It made me want to say to every man in their 50's to take care of their health so they will be there to walk their daughters down the aisle, to stand beside their son's at the hospital when they bring their own child into the world....to be there. The songs just reminded me of life, and how fragile our health is, and how we take it for granted. Of how I take it for granted. It made me push harder in that class for sure.

I finished up with at the gym with some Abs and Back work. It was a good workout, and I felt good about doing something good for my body today. All in all, it was a good Monday.

Another hike, another achey muscle...

2012-02-26T08:15:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I went on a 13.6 mile hike. We started out at high elevation, with gusting winds of 20-25 mph, and a wind chill of 18, and a light dusting of snow. And lemme tell ya, it felt like it. The wind felt like it was piercing right through us even with layers of clothing on. The area was absolutely beautiful, but because we were hiking so freakin' fast to stay warm, I don't know that I really took it all in properly. We did stop for lunch at this pretty bald that looks over the ski slopes of Cataloochie, and could see people skiing down. That was very nice.

The terrain was up and down rolling hills for the first 8 miles...then a pretty steep down slope on slick leaves and mud for about 3, then level...except that we had to cross a creek with no bridge and that water was so friggin' cold. Excluding the stop for lunch, we did this in 5.75 hours...so that is 2.36 mph average...meaning we went much faster at times when not sliding down hills and crossing creeks, which to me felt way to fast. I didn't have time to stop and really enjoy it along the way. I know we were pushing fast due to the cold...but I've kind of decided that even though I CAN hike that fast, I DON'T WANT TO. I'm not out there just to check off trails. I want to enjoy them. So I think that's just motivation for me to organize more hikes where I can tell folks to slow down and enjoy the scenery (not super slow, but a 13.6 mile hike would be much more enjoyable if spread over 7.5 hours...so that's 1.8 average, meaning you go faster at times, but you also have time to stop and take in the view every now and then. Or I'm okay with even a little slower especially when wild flower season gets here and I stop to take a bajillion pictures. Not to say there is anything wrong with hikers who can and choose to go fast...their goal for being out there is just a bit different than mine. Some probably hike fast because this is their workout for the week, but I workout during the week to be able to enjoy hiking on the weekends (kinda backwards I guess).

So anyway...my heel is hurting again pretty bad this morning, I'm sure because I didn't stretch after that hike at all, and I should have. And there's some muscle or tendon or what not right below my knee to the front left that is sore. I haven't felt that one before..ha! But I'm sure it will repair stronger.

My eating was pretty decent. I probably had a few too many Clif Bars (I had one for breakfast, one with lunch, one on the way home...), but other than that, not too shabby on the eating side.

Today I hope to take it easy...go to church, visit some family. I hope your weekend is going well!

A few pictures:

Hooray for Friday!

2012-02-24T08:43:00.003-05:00

I successfully got up again this morning at 6:30 and hit the gym. That's twice in one week...could it be I'm liking this morning thing? The jury is still out...ha! But I do love how quiet it is, and I know it helps get me through the day when I get my workout in early. Though I do love the destresser it can be in the evenings. So I'll probably try to do the mornings MWF and evenings T/Th...maybe? We'll see how it goes next week.

This morning consisted of 25 minutes on the treadmill at a high incline (gotta keep up those hiking legs), then Abs/Chest/Triceps work. Then the Elliptical for 25 minutes, then more Chest/Triceps. Feeling pretty good and eating my oatmeal with PB2, half a banana, and some dark choco chips.

Tomorrow I'm meeting the hiking group EARLY...like 5:45a.m, which means I'll have to be up at 5. We are going on a nice 13 mile hike in the cold. Should be fun ;)

Have a good weekend!

Pain in my Abs!

2012-02-23T11:32:00.003-05:00

This morning when I was stretching I noticed soreness in my abs!...Yes! That always tells me that I did them some good with those crunches yesterday.

So yesterday went really well. No real craving to speak of on the sugar/fat vibe...but it's just day one. I disclosed my workout in yesterday's post. My eating went as follows:

8:30 - Oats w/ dark choco chips and PB2 w/ splash of Almond Milk

12:00 - Cabbage Soup (cabbage, carrots, zuccini, broccoli, browned ground beef) & a PB&J sammich (whole wheat bread, 1 tbsp PB spread really thin, and 1 tbsp jelly)

2:00 - Hummus with rice crackers (new find called Word Table Brown Rice & Flax rice crackers...good ingredients list w/ no sugar...yay!)

4:00 - small handful of almonds and 5 dark choco chips.

6:00 - 2 grilled chicken legs & one serving special K red berries w/ almond milk

8:45 - wrap w/ whole wheat medium tortilla, 1/2 small banana, 5 dark choco chips, 1 tbsp peanut butter.

Looking at this...this is really a menu that is suited for someone in maintenance, not necessarily weight reduction. But my first goal is to get over the desire to constantly run for donuts, chicken biscuits, hamburgers and candy bars. I need to get back to healthy eating, then will reduce.

Today's workout will be this afternoon: 1 hour spin class, then a legs/shoulders workout. I may go bike around the neighborhood for fun after lunch because it's really sunny here today....but that won't really count as a workout.

I'm doing this :)

Update (7:30pm)... So I went to the gym and tried out the 25 minute Core class. It was awesomely tuff and I know I'll feel it in the morning (tons of crunches, glute work, planks, etc). Then I did 30 minutes of work on shoulders and legs. Then my spin class as normal. Feeling good and refueling with a protein smoothie. Yum!

Why "diets" don't work...and the beginning of Lent.

2012-02-22T08:42:00.004-05:00

Today begins the Lenten season. We still are not confirmed Catholics, but we will participate as best we know how in this season of remembrance & repentance. Last year I was going to give up sweets and it lasted 12 days. So this year, I'm doing something non food related instead. But I am using today as a "start" so to speak on repenting of the crap I have put in this body, and to promise it that I will take care of it going forward. I am determined...enough is enough...and I want that bracelet!!! (Materialistic much?!)

But this morning when I stepped on my scale and saw 232.0 on it as my starting point, I thought to myself...."this is why diets don't work". In my desperation last September I signed up for "Medifast". I did fairly well the first few weeks, then stumbled my way through another month or so before giving up. I lost about 22 lbs and by my birthday (12/15) I was at 215. After my birthday I gave up on Medifast, and indulged in all the things the diet said I couldn't have to the extreme. So count that out...that's 17lbs gained back in 2 months. 17lbs!...in 2 months! That is ridiculous. I didn't avoid the scale. I saw it rising, but felt helpless against my cravings. I'm not sure what is different today. But I've had enough of this shit, and it's time to get my head out of my ass and do something about it. Diets don't work because they don't fix the problem, they bring results that last a very short time once you leave said diet. (I knew this...I'm not sure why I fell into the diet trap)

Now, I will say for someone who has gained weight over a few years from child rearing and what not but use to be healthy as a late teen/early adult, I do believe they can work to get off that weight, if that persons eating habits haven't completely changed over the years. I don't think diets don't work for everyone...I just know they don't work for someone like me (someone who has been overweight since 1st grade....). What works is putting good quality food in my body in moderation, and exercise. It works...it's proven, and it's what I'm going back to. And learning to listen to my hunger signals again (not my brain saying it needs sugar...). I have the knowledge...I can't play dumb when I see "high fructose corn syrup" or "enriched white flour" on the label. And it's time I start being snooty about what I allow into this body.

This morning started off great. I woke up wide eyed at 6 (an hour before my alarm), and decided to go ahead and hit the gym. You can definitely tell the new years resolutionists are done, as it was almost empty at 6:45 when I arrived, when usually it's full of prework exercisers. That's kind of sad, but I was glad to have the ladies workout room to myself. Here's what I did:

25 minutes on the eliptical

80 ab crunches...normal and side combined

3 sets of 12 on the Lat pull down (back)

3 sets of 12 on the row machine

3 sets of 10 each arm bicep curls (8lb weight)

18 minutes on the eliptical

40 ab crunches

3 sets of 12 on the Lat pull down (back)

3 sets of 12 on the row machine

3 sets of 10 each arm bicep curls (8lb weight)

It felt like a good workout...and I was sweaty. So now I'm fueling with some oats and a boiled egg, and am about to get to work. I'm determined to not let this beat me. I will do this! (cause I want my bracelet...ha!)

Why I want to be at a healthy weight....

2012-02-21T11:08:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I just have to remind myself why I really do want this:

Why Rebecca desires to be at a healthy weight & have a strong body:

1. To feel light when I walk, skip, run, hike, etc. so I can do these activities faster!

2. To look better (not in a vain way...but to be able to look down and not see a fat roll).

3. To be able to sit in my husband's lap without feeling I'm gonna break him (silly I know...but important to me).

4. To be able to live without medications and healthcare costs associated with being obese (high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc).

5. To be able to shop at normal stores, and have a closet full of cheap, cute clothes.

6. To be able to buy hiking pants at the local outfitters (they don't believe big girls hike...jerks!)

7. To feel sexier.

8. To be a mom someday, and have energy to be a fun, active mom, and who feeds her family healthy things instead of McD's. (I think my mind is changing on the no kids thing...but it will be a very long while until I'm ready...that's a blog for another day).

9. To live without having to continue to worry about my size anymore.

10. To be able to take all this energy and time I spend trying to get over this issue, and spend it helping and loving someone else.

I'm printing this list and am going to keep it on display so it will remind me. Time to get determined again.

I've also found something I really want and will work hard for as a reward (on top of a healthier body)....a Chamilia Bracelet (much like Pandora, only cheaper). I'm not a huge jewelry person, but for some reason, I've been really wanting one of these, and the thought of getting to add a new charm for each 5lb loss is so exciting. I will get the bracelet and my first charm and locks once I've lost the first 10lbs (which should come off pretty quickly since I gained back in just the past few weeks...grr.)

"Ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no river wide enough"...

2012-02-20T08:28:00.003-05:00

It was another hiking palooza weekend for me, and my legs are feeling just a little sore this morning; enough to know I did them some good. I went with my hiking group over to the North Carolina side of the park, and did a hike up to "Shuckstack Tower", which is an old fire tower along the Appalachian Trail. We had a 2,000 foot climb over 3.25 miles up to the tower, then we came back down a trail called the "Lost Cove Trail", which was steep and slick from mud in leaves in places, and had several water crossings where we had to take off our shoes and wade knee deep across. It was cold and I didn't have water shoes...but I'm now going to get some today as they are having good sales right now on some Chacos I want at the local outdoors store we frequent. Any who... then we hiked back out what is called the Lake shore trail which sounds pleasantly flat, but it's anything but flat. But it was a great 12 mile hike. Sunday we hosted our first hike, in the pouring rain, but 8 other people actually showed up to do the 4.5 mile "beginner" hike with us. It was great fun even in the rain.

So today I'm going to do a Back/Biceps/Ab workout after spin class, as I think my legs could use a break...ha!

My eating hasn't been great. Not horrible, but I'm still working on the valentine's day loot...and my reese's bouqet is missing some stems. I was talking to my mom the other day and she suggested I take a break because I've been working on it for so long, and as she said I'm looking so much better than I once did. And I guess in many ways I've been on a break a long time eventhough I've been "watching my weight" or "dieting" for almost 6 years now. Wow..that's crazy to think I've been struggling with this for 6 years...but it's the truth. I don't want my life to be defined as "the girl who always struggled trying to lose weight", but I feel that's what I'm becoming. I'd really like to stop worrying about it, but I'm no where near a healthy weight, even with what I have lost. So I'll just keep trying...

Have a great week y'all. Here's a couple pictures from my weekend:

I'm a Pansy...

2012-02-16T08:47:00.003-05:00

So yesterday was a pretty good day. I did have a few pieces of my V-day candy, but other than that, there were no trips to any fast food joints, no stopping by the local gas station for Krispie Kremes or Doritos, etc. I took an apple with me when I had to go up to Knoxville, and ate it on my way home, and was just fine. Not perfect, but let me tell ya, much better...

My eating was this:

3/4 cup steel cut oats (cooked) w/pb2 & dark cocoa powder w/ splash of almond milk

green apple

strawberry/blueberry yogurt parfait with 1/4 cup bear naked granola

hummus w/ wheat thins (I've tried it with veggies and just can't do it)

a normal serving of lasagna (not an olive garden serving), bread stick & 2 mushroom caps

About 8 small reese's cups and 4 of those boxed chocolates through out the day

So...I need to get more veggies back in & way less candy. Working on it...

Anywho...last night I went to the gym! I've really missed the gym...really. I did 40 minutes on the eliptical, then took my note pad with me to try to figure out a good strength training program with the machines but realized...I'm a weak pansy and am not going to be able to do a full body program. I'll have to break it down into different muscle parts different days. I'll work on that. But here's what I did do before I became a wet noodle:

ABS: 3sets/20reps each on the ab machine @ 40lbs

LEGS: 3sets/12reps each on the Leg Press @ 50lbs & 3sets/12reps @ 30lbs on the Leg Extension machine

CHEST: 3sets/10reps each @25lbs on the Chest Press & 3sets/10reps @ 40lbs on the fly machine

BACK: 3sets/12reps @ 45lbs on the Pulldown & 4sets/12reps @ 30lbs on the Row/Rear Delt

SHOULDERS: 3sets/10 reps @ 40lbs on the Shoulder Press

BICEPS (never made it there)

TRICEPS (didn't get there either)

I was feeling it, and it shows me how week my muscles (especially in my upper body) are. So my goal for the next few months is to really concentrate on working on my strength training. But this is a starting point. Maybe I'll do Abs/Legs/Biceps/Triceps on one day, and Abs/Chest/Back/Shoulders another?

Progress...

Feeling the love....

2012-02-15T09:40:00.001-05:00

So yesterday was Valentine's Day...and it was a pretty good one. I was in charge of Valentine's Day last year as David was working that evening. I did a big fondue dinner & dessert....candle lit of course, locked the kitties in the bedroom so we could enjoy the living room and fire place without kitties roaming about.

This year, David took over, and we started out the day with gifts....I got the cutest Reese's bouqet (I might have hinted at wanting it the last time we were at Kroger a few weeks ago), other candies, a teddy bear and sweet card. And I gave him a card and various sweet treats. (yes I know I don't need candy...). Anyway, then I did a little work as did he, and in the evening he made an awesome dinner: Homemade Lasagna (no stouffers), stuffed mushroom caps, caesar salad, and breadsticks....it was awesome! He really is a great cook...and normally a very "healthy" cook, but he asked what I wanted for our Valentine's Day meal, and I said "Lasagna!". We have over 3/4ths of a 9x13 pan left to eat this week or freeze... Then we watched some episodes of Lost and relaxed (We watch most things on Hulu since we ditched the cable since we never watched it)...and had a few dark chocolate dipped strawberries. And then retreated early to the bedroom... It was a good day, and I felt loved... I hope you did as well.

But now it's time to start loving myself again. Which includes getting my act back together on eating healthy, nutritious foods and getting my ass back to the gym. It's now been 8 days since I've gone to the gym (or had any significant exercise). I'm feeling and seeing my laziness on my body, and feeling lethargic from the overload of fat and sugar in my diet.

I did go buy some orthotic insoles Monday to help deal with this plantars pain I started having about a month ago. I woke up one morning, stepped out of bed and had this crazy heel pain. Did some internet research and found out what it was, and was immediately bummed. It's caused by many things...but being overweight is one, and intense activity another. I have since talked to some of my hiking buds, and I had no idea it is so common in hikers. They told me to go get insoles and start stretching. So I've started. The past few days hasn't been bad in the mornings, but that's because I've been spending more time on my ass and not on my feet moving. I'm going to try out the new insoles in my gym shoes tonight, and I have some for dress shoes I'll wear today. I really hope they help.

Today...I will love myself, by giving my body what it needs to be strong and healthy.

Pillow Talk...the not fun kind...

2012-02-11T12:07:00.000-05:00

So last night, before we drifted off to sleep, I told David about my struggles, and about the stuff (well not in detail), I have been eating when not at home. About my inability to refind my reasons to get healthy, and not being ready to give up sugar, like I know I'm going to have to do. It's going to be hard, and I don't know that I'm ready for the headaches, insane cravings, anxiety, irritability...and the cravings for which the rational side of my brain turns off, having to constantly say "no" to all the sweet treats, and stuff people try to offer me... I know it's going to be hard. But he is very supportive, and tried to talk me through some of my issues and help me to start thinking about a plan to get back on track and move forward (like writing out our short term/long term goals, recleaning out the kitchen, etc)... I was thankful to have someone listen.

I have a "free weekend" (nothing planned...at all other than church)...so today, I'm going to sit down and come up with a schedule for myself. I don't work a normal 8-5 job, so my days are going to vary on when I workout. But I have to plan it in. (update: Just got some books on food addiction from the library, so I'm going to watch it snow and read up on it)

And I'm still sort of confused on what all I need to cut out? Like are the few dark choco chips I put in my oatmeal out of the question eventhough they don't ever trigger me to want more... are ANY processed foods such as crackers (even the organic ones) out of the question just because they contain a little evaporated cane juice...how many grams of sugar in something is acceptable...3-4g per serving? I know the obvious has to go: candy, cookies, cakes pies, brownies, trips to fast food restaurants, most breads, most pastas, some grains...any thing that is basically an empty food (no nutritional value), and triggers me to want more instead of leaving me satisfied.

Anyway, I know the road ahead will not be easy, but again I'm not giving up...just at one of those proverbial speed bumps as I am changing into who I ultimately want to be.

(Insert a clever title here...I've got nothing)...

2012-02-09T13:07:00.000-05:00

I've clicked on my blog several times this week wishing I had something profound to post, but alas...I didn't.

I am failing miserably at gaining control over myself. That sounds weird, because at the very least in life I should be able to control myself when I can't control the external forces...but that is one "fruit of the spirit" that seems to be shriveled up right now...my self control. I thought "hey maybe I'm pregnant and that's why I'm craving all this junk food and feel like a bottomless pit no matter how much I eat"...but much to my mom's and mom in law's dismay, I checked...and I'm not. So there goes that excuse. I have none other than I'm addicted to sugar, I've had too much of it, which translates to wanting even more the next day. I feel like a druggie going through withdrawals when I try to give it up for even a day... I wonder how long it really takes to get over the cravings. I was on Medifast 12 days the first time and thought for sure that was long enough...but on day 13, I had never craved "junk" so bad in my life. And the constant cravings have been worse since I tried that approach to leaving it behind.

Actually, I can't think of any aspect of my life right now, that I feel I have control over. Do you know what I mean, when every part of your life, from work, to home life, to health feels out of whack? I'm not talking total mass destruction or anything, just out of whack and you can't seem to get things back in an orderly fashion (whatever that looks like). It's like where do you start to get things back on track. If you focus on one area, you have trouble keeping the other balanced... Can you focus on improving them all at the same time?...how?

I did at least take the time yesterday to clean out ~~the sprinkles from donuts, chip crumbs, food bags, etc~~ trash in my car, and did a serious deep clean of my kitchen, dining room, bedroom and living room. Something about my "space" around me being disorganized and unclean really drains my mental health...it's hard to explain. So I feel a little more in control in those areas atleast.

I have been unfaithful to hit the gym on a regular basis the past few weeks (it's thursday..I've been once this week... that's it). It's like I can't get in tuned with a schedule and stick to it, so it gets pushed to the side. I ask myself what the plan is to change this, and I won't come up with an answer. I just say "I'll worry about it later, I've got too much to worry about right now"...and then it's forgotten.

I don't know why I'm making this so hard. I know the equation is simple: Eat healthy foods + move my body = a healthier body. And Eat unhealthy foods + being sedentary = an unhealthy body. I just don't want the healthy body bad enough, and I'm not sure how to make myself want it bad enough to keep me from going with the unhealthy equation. There was a time I wanted it bad enough and made great progress... I'm not sure why I changed.

Maybe I don't feel my life is awesome enough to be lived longer than this body is going to allow, and so I've believe that enjoying food (which does bring me enjoyment...contrary to what some feel) in the present is better than some unknown enjoyment in the future? Just thinking "outloud"...

I continue to try to find the answers...to try to find the reason to be determined to live healthier... because right now, I just don't have it. This is where I am. I have to find the "why do this" answer.

Some serious motivation..."you want me to do what?!"

2012-01-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a good couple of days. My eating has been better, exercise has been better, and my mood has been better. The scale is being some what kind. It jumped up a few pounds a few weeks ago, but was back down by Friday, and this morning was better. I'm still not at my pre-birthday weight...when the cake and christmas goodies started. But, I'll get there.

So here's what this post is really about... The organizer of the hiking group that I've been in since Dec 2010...so a little over a year now, has asked David and I to start organizing some hikes! They are looking for us to set up some easy to moderate (so about 3 to 10 mile) hikes. But we can also set up other events such as kayaking and biking. That is exciting...and a little nervous to be responsible for picking trails, ensuring everyone survives said trail, etc. But I know it will be fun. I still will join in on some of the harder hikes the other organizers post so I can keep working on my endurance, but it will also be fun to hike some shorter ones with different groups of folks! So this is definitely motivation for me to keep working on my own level of fitness... I don't wanna be an out of shape organizer..ha!

I did an 8 mile hike today with the group, and it only took us 3 hours... that is awesome! Even with a group of folks who don't hike often, we were still able to do that pace. It was a great day to do a hike too. ...good weather! Now we are going to meet up with one of the gals from the group and enjoy some Thai cuisine... Another good day :)

A pretty decent day...I think...

2012-01-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

So today for me started at 3:00 a.m. I woke up, and laid there wide awake trying to get my brain to shut up, but it just wouldn't. So, at 3:30, I got up and came and read some blog posts, and some health related articles...then I spent some time in prayer and meditation. At 6:15 I started to feel sleepy so I went back to bed, cuddled up to my husband who was all warm, and fell back asleep until 9:15. Now most nights this wouldn't be classified as "good", but I woke up feeling energized and was going to be working from home anyway, so it didn't matter that I slept in. I enjoyed the quiet of the night, and even the kitties didn't mess with me.

When I got up at 9:15, I started the day with an awesome bowl of steel cut oats (I started them cooking when I was up at 3:30). I think they are my newest favorite breakfast food (though that rotates). They have a different texture to me, and I tend to eat them slower, and unlike traditional oats, they don't leave me hungry an hour later. I've been experimenting with different add-ins and for the moment, a tablespoon of natural peanut butter, and a few dark chocolate baking chips (ghirardelli) are my favorite. Though I had a half banana and a few chopped walnuts the other day that was pretty good. One thing I really love about reading articles on health and nutrition, and health related blogs is that I get to pick up new healthy ideas....like steel cut oats vs. the traditional oats. Small changes do help me toward a healthier lifestyle.

For lunch, we had a grilled cheese and hot dog lunch...I know, I know...not the best. But they were the hebrew national low fat hot dogs...does that make it any better? No?...well I'm still a work in progress.

Anyway...during the day, my husband, who is a rockin' cook, baked the most amazing smelling cinnamon bread, (and craisin/walnut bread but I didn't smell it over the cinnamon bread). But I didn't really crave it once it was out of the oven, though I did have a bite of each (and by bite, I don't mean a huge slice...I mean a couple small bites).

For dinner we baked some tilapia fillets with some of the McCormick's Vegetable blend seasoning on it...that stuff is so good...even on fish ;) And had some balsamati rice and steamed veggies with it. It was a good healthy dinner. Then we hit the gym, and I did the bodyjam class (hip hop dance class 1 hr), while david did cardio in the cardio theater. I joined him after my class and worked out my legs 15 minutes on the eliptical.

When we got home, I made a smoothie out of almond milk, half a banana, half scoop of protein powder, and a tablespoon of pb....I'm feeling good and satisfied...ready for the shower, and bed.

So while it wasn't a perfect day, it was one of the best I've had in a while. So I'm thankful :)

How was your day??

One Sunny day in Winter....

2012-01-25T08:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know how this winter has been where you live, but for us, this has been a crazy rainy and cloudy winter. I'm use to the cold as long as the sun is out, but what I'm not use to is not seeing the sun shine and it has definitely been depressing, and makes me want to snuggle on the couch with hot chocolate or something. Well yesterday (after a week long rain storm/cloud bank above), the sun came out and it got up to 58 degrees!! At about 2:00pm while working from home I made the decision to go grab my bike out of the garage, throw it on the back of my jeep and head to our local greenway. This would mean having to work at night, but I did not care as I wanted so badly to be outside on this one sunny day!

I got in a good hour of riding, then I put the bike up and walked/jogged on the greenway for 25ish minutes, then went back to my car to leave when I saw my husband's truck in the parking lot and realized he was somewhere down the path on his bike looking for me (that's another story...he had gone hiking earlier in the day, and was going to come home so we could go bike riding around 2:30...but when he wasn't back yet, I took off without him...I didn't want to miss the sun!!). So I took off looking for him, and found him, and so I got another good 30 minute ride it. IT.WAS.AWESOME!

It's amazing what a little fun in the sun will do for your mood. I am so ready for Spring. 2 more months...*sigh*.

Do you prefer outdoor activity? Do you find yourself getting the winter blues?

Choose who you want to be...

2012-01-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

As I was driving in my car on the way home this afternoon (after having an unhealthy snack as it were...) I had this conversation with myself:

"I will not become the person I want to be, unless I stop making the same choices my former self made. Rebecca...choose who you want to be and walk that direction, and stop taking so many steps backwards. Are you going to be "her" (a healthy, fit, comfortable in her own skin, outdoorsy girl), or "her" (the fat, unhealthy, miserable, slowly killing herself girl). It's one or the other...you can't be both."

The goal I mentioned in my last post of being able to enjoy life, which for me is getting out and hiking, kayaking, biking etc with David and other peeps, is starting to develop real "benchmarks". Hikes I've signed up for with some new "bests" for me...or will be if I complete them. And I'm honestly a little nervous, but at the same time thankful, because I know if I get lax in my exercise and eating, I will struggle to do them, and that is great motivation. I need weight to come off my body, and I need my fitness level to increase. And as I told myself above...in order to be the her I want to be, I can not continue to act and make the decisions of chunky her. It's one or the other.

This is a weekend off from hiking, but that doesn't mean I'll be lazy. I'm going to hit the gym tomorrow, and hopefully get to ride my bike sunday. I REALLY do miss riding my bike...but it's been so cold and rainy lately. I'm ready for Spring!

Have a good weekend all!

Motivation Monday...

2012-01-16T12:18:00.000-05:00

How's that for a catchy title?... So this week's motivation comes from this past weekend's hikes. I did a 10.1 mile hike Saturday with my hiking group up and down a rather large mountain in the snow and ice...and it rocked, then I did a 10.2 mile hike Sunday with my husband after church. And I thought to myself...this is my goal...this is why I want to be healthy, so I can enjoy life (what I consider enjoying life anyway). The only hard part of this goal, is that I'm not sure what the end result looks like. How do I know when I've achieved the goal. I will say, having hiked 20.3 miles in a weekend, and feeling absolutely no pain or muscle soarness on Monday, tells me I'm making progress for sure :) We have several good hikes coming up over the next few months, so I'm determined to keep working on getting my legs stronger, and a little weight off my body to help.

I *did* have a health bar and brownie sunday after the hike. I'm not going to take the "I earned" it stance...but I am going to say I definitely worked off those calories, and this morning, the scale was kind still ;)

So this week's goal? To make it to the gym atleast 3 times Mon-Fri. And to make 80% "good" choices with my eating. Not overwhelming goals....do able goals ;)

Have a good week everyone! Here's a few pictures I stole from friends on the Saturday hike:

First one is me crossing ice covered rocks...second our group on top of the mountain...third is a view on the way up.

A much better week...

2012-01-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

It has been a good week. I haven't obsessed about trying to lose weight. I've gone to the gym and gotten in great work outs Sun, Mon, Tues, and today (even in the snow storm). I've made fairly good choices, and cooked some healthy meals...only had a few sweet treats. I'm proud of myself. Now if every week could be like this...ha!

I've also signed up for several hikes over the next month and a half. I'm determined to keep working on my "fitness level". I haven't set a mileage goal yet for 2012. My goal for 2011 was 250 and I reached 275 for the year. But this year we hope to add in more kayaking, so I may just stick with 250 again this year.

Not much else to update...just continuing to take it a choice at a time :)

Update: 1/13...and I lost a pound this week...hey, I'll take it ;)

Is there a "New Year's Restart" button?...

2012-01-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have a bit of a rebellious attitude against myself. I say "I'm going to do this"...and then I do just the opposite. Wasn't it Paul who said something to the effect of..."I do not do what I want to do, but I do what I hate"...or something like that. But really, eating fat/sugar/salt laden foods IS what I want to do, eventhough I know it's not what I should do. The other day I was driving in my car thinking about some counseling sessions I've had in the past where the counselor tries to pull out of you the reason you desire that type of food.. I laughed and thought...HELLO!...The reason I like to eat food is because it tastes good and I enjoy it! While I can be an emotional eater, in the end, I love the taste of "good" (note not healthy...good...though some healthy foods do taste good...what tastes good to me) food...and that's it. There is no deep dark reason that once I get past, I'll stop craving food.

So where does that leave me? I have to get back to the point where the desire to be healthy outweighs the desire for so much "junk". The issue for me is I fall in line with most folks and want instant gratification. If the choice is food which I can get and have right now, or to lose weight and get healthy and feel good which takes months/years, well my ability to chose what's "best" is waivered in favor of instant gratification. And my mind justifies my choice by saying...well it's going to take forever to get healthy anyway, so why not indulge now, and get back on track later.

I'm not giving up, I just don't want to post yet another grand plan that I'm not certain I can keep. I just need to get back to basics and start working on my choices. Everything is a choices and I need to get back to making conscious ones... to be lazy or go to the gym, to eat a healthy snack or a cookie. I'm going to start with trying to make more healthy choices instead of unhealthy today...and then I'll try again tomorrow.

Can I hit the "restart" button...yet again.

Happy New Year!! Starting off 2012 right....

2012-01-02T12:17:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a fun celebration as we launched in to 2012. David and I went backpacking (that's hiking where you carry a backpack with supplies to spend the night out in the backcountry) in the Smokies with some of our hiking buddies (8 of us total). We started out Friday morning, hiked in 6.7 miles to our first campsite, hiked 10.9 miles Saturday to our second campsite, then hiked 4.8 miles out on Sunday. Saturday was the real challenging day as the terrain went up and down mini-mountains. My pack was around 35lbs when we started, so it was a good workout for sure. But we did eat well when we camped, and enjoyed some creature comforts of wine and apple pie moonshine as we celebrated the new year out in the wilderness. It was a great way to start off 2012!

So today I'm starting my "Holiday Detox" plan... which is to fast for 2 days drinking lots of water and detox teas, and then starting Medifast for 2 weeks to quickly get rid of some of this holiday weight excess, then David and I are going to really dig in to eating more whole foods, less processed, and moderate sugar and carbs. And get our rears back to the gym! I really want to work on strength training, as I have sucked at that aspect of working out. I need to work on getting a strength training plan set up. I may google that today ;)

Here's to a new year, and another day to try to make better decisions :)

I started 2011 at 240 and ended it at 225. Though there have been ups and downs, in the end, I leave 2011 healthier than I began it, and I'm thankful for that :)

The Holiday Confessions...

2011-12-29T08:45:00.003-05:00

It's been a while blogger.... and of course the reason is, I've been pretty darn "naughty" over this holiday season. I ate way more than my fair share of holiday sweets (cakes, cookies, candies, donuts, arby's curly fries, etc...okay maybe some of those aren't holiday sweets...). The number on the scale of course reflects that...and like always, it makes me mad at myself. But I also know it's temporary.

January always brings that sense of renewal, and new goals (and a full gym). David and I kind of talked through some goals on our journey home from Memphis Tuesday. I'm still trying to think through some of mine. Of course I'm still working on the health related goal, but I'm still trying to figure out what the goal really is. It's not a number on the scale, though that number does correlate to some degree of me getting healthier or not. I just really wish to take the focus off of that machine, and to come up with goals that don't pertain to that scale. Like David mentioned wanting to hike the AT from Newfound Gap to Fontana Dam, and from Newfound Gap to the Cosby side of the park (I don't know the name...) For those of you not familiar with this area...it's the part of the Appalachian Trail that runs through Great Smoky Mountains National Park (near where we live...and hike often). Each of those segments mentioned above are about 35 miles... and not flat miles...mountain miles ;) So that would be something I'd physically have to work up to. And he mentioned doing a half marathon, which I think is a great goal. But these were his goals...and while I'd like to join him in these, I need to think of a few of my own, as reaching for a number on the scale is just not working.

In the short term...here's what is happening and my plans to start off the new year right: Friday - Sunday (over new years), we are going on a backpacking trip with our hiking group. It's 22.1 miles over 3 days...so not too bad. The only "bad" part will be the alcohol consumption...but I won't partake of too much, since I don't want to pack it in..ha! And we are also already planning a long hike on the North Carolina side of the park the following weekend.

And my next step will be to fast for 2 days (Monday & Tuesday)...more for repentance purposes, though drinking lots of water those days will give my body time to flush out some of those chemicals and junk I've consumed. I know lots of folks don't believe in fasting...but I do, and don't worry, I'll take my vitamins, and my body has ample food storage.

Then the next step will be to hop back on Medifast for atleast a week (though I have food in the pantry for probably 3)...that's all I'm promising. Again to give my body time to readjust and hopefully break the crazy sugar cravings I'm having because of all the sugar I've consumed. And get my rear back to the gym and back into a routine. I'm really hoping to start going a few mornings instead of just in the evenings. OH! And I've also got Zumba for Wii from Mom, and it is much fun...so I'll do this too :)

And then I'll transition into a healthy eating plan off the Medifast. I'd really like to concentrate on eating more whole foods, and get back to trying more healthy recipes....or at least pull back out the good ones I found when I was experimenting last year.

I love Thanksgiving, my Birthday, and Christmas...but this month of goodies always throws me out of focus with it's sugary yumminess and fattening feasts. So for that reason, I'm glad it's over, and that I can push forward. I am always in aw by those who glide through this month unscathed, I'm just not there yet. ;)

TMI Rant!!... you probably want to skip this one...I mean it.

2011-12-21T05:13:00.000-05:00

It's currently 5:15a.m. on a Wednesday morning, and I've been awake since 4:00a.m. I can't sleep; my brain is running through all the worries and list of "to do's". About 4 a.m. I woke up with a certain thing on my mind and I don't know how to ease into this conversation...so here we go: I hate birth control pills...HATE THEM. I was on one brand that didn't mess with me for a few months, until I started having my period for 11 days a month instead of 5...then was switched to another one (though I told the prescribing nurse my concern with switching because of bad experiences with other brands...and she said "well just try it"). And sure enough...here I am 3 weeks in and the thought of having to take one more of those damn pills is keeping me awake. I am super sensitive to artificial hormones...which I know is not true for everyone and some folks feel nothing when taking them, but I do, so this is my experience:

They completely screw with my emotions...make me a bitch..yes me...sweet me... a bitch! I'm cranky and moody all the time. Little things set me off on a roller coaster of anger to suicidal thoughts. I crave unhealthy junk 10 times more when I'm on this stuff than when I'm not (don't give me the "well they've proved that bc doesn't cause weight gain"...no it does not...but what it does do is increase your cravings, and good luck trying not to give in to those when they are all you think about...) In fact that is another issue...those thoughts & cravings completely take the place of any sexual thoughts & cravings. When I am not on "drugs"...aka birth control, in a normal day, sex crosses my mind (in a good way) at least twice an hour I'd guess. When I'm on drugs...if I think about sex at all during the day, it's not a good thought. It's more of a "not happening" thought. And that is most definitely not normal for this girl.

I hate any type of prescription. Putting foreign chemicals in your body, obviously isn't a good thing. Tricking your body into believing it's pregnant so it doesn't drop an egg, is obviously going to cause it to do some weird things, and believe me, mine is. And I have tried at least 6 different brands of BC...from the lo versions to the normal version, to the ones that last for 3 months, to the tri-cyclens, to the steady does all month ones. And it's no help. Same thing, or unwanted side effects. It makes me angry at my husband for having to be the one to endure this for "us"...and why can't he take something that screws with him and not me (and on that when he stepped on the scale last night and declared he was at a low of 140lbs I wanted to do two things...punch him, and burst into tears...it's not fair).

I know there are other methods out there to prevent pregnancy...but I'm not willing to put a piece of plastic or copper up in my uterus, and we've done the condom thing, and that's not fun either, nor is it all effective, and of course there is always that abstinence thing...but if I come off of bc and the normal sex thoughts come back, I don't think I'd do to well with abstinence...ha! We are a couple months away from making a final decision on this "we don't want to be parents" decision (parenthood isn't for everyone...and there's not room enough in this post for this discussion...but we've thought it out, and have no desire to be parents. We'll be the cool aunt/uncle though!) and so I know a more permanent solution is coming soon. I'm just not sure what to do until then.

Thanks for letting me rant... I know it's way TMI...but it's where I am right now. My weight is creeping up as I've given in to all these intense cravings lately, and no diet, nor calorie counting is stopping it. When your "i'm not hungry" meter is broken, and your stress level is through the roof (too much to do...and my husband lost his full time job this week...but thankfully has another part time one still), and you don't have time to work out because you are working so hard to try to keep up with your work (I'm self employed...), and you'd rather find pleasure in a brownie with ice cream than sex because you are doped up on fake hormones that suppress those cravings...and you are harboring a little resentment toward your husband because he's not having to go through what you are going through by being on these drugs... then yeah, your weight would creep up too.

I know it will all work out...and it will be okay, but right now, I'm struggling. But since I'm up...and it's now 6:00a.m...I might as well start on some work.

Where did you go?...

2011-12-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm still here, I promise. Life has just been insanely busy. Since I last blogged, I've completed 2 more 5k's. And the last one, I RAN THE WHOLE THING! I was so proud of myself. I had decent time at 34:12...granted, the course was flat.

How's my "diet" going? Please don't ask... honestly...not good...at all. I've had lots of indulgent things...including birthday cake in there somewhere. And my scale is teetering around 220. And it's been hard to stay focused on this area of my life, when I've got so much going on in the rest. It's like if I'm doing great in one area of my life, I'm letting the other area's slip, and sadly, this is an area that is slipping in December. But I know that I'll get back on it when we get back home December 27th. So I'm just going to ride it out.

Lately I've been thinking alot about how I've spent the last 6 years struggling with my health. I mean really...it's been 6 years of working hard at this, and many days slipping, but then getting back up and carrying on. What happens when I finally get tired, and I "rest" from this? When I finally give out, and I stop pushing this car up this massive hill. It's going to roll back down...and all this work I've done is going to be for nothing... and that is scary. Not sure my point...but I know eventually I will wear out...it's bound to happen, and I'm not sure what to do.

Another week gone by...

2011-12-09T07:42:00.000-05:00

First thing is first. This week's weigh in = 216.0 (that's -2 from last week...and 1 lb above where I was at pre-Thanksgiving...my lowest of 215.0)

I really struggled earlier in the week, and didn't make it to the gym but 2 days this week (well there was also a 9.8 mile hike Saturday AND a 5k race on Sunday...so that's not too shabby on the exercise front). My eating was not well Monday & Tuesday...funny how that coincides with my gym skippage days. Why is that? You'd think if I ate junk I'd want to work it off. But in fact, sugar makes me feel energy less when I consume massive quantities at once.

So The Experiment is going pretty well. Wednesday I was good all day and had my dessert at night and enjoyed it. Yesterday, I didn't make it to the gym (but I did go at 5:40a.m. this morning), so I didn't have the dessert, just 80 calories of dark chocolate baking chips...low in sugar. And I feel great. Today is the Great Smoky Mtn National Park staff Christmas Dinner...so I know dessert will be on the menu (they were fabulous last year). So I know I'll make it through today without eating junk, because I know tonight I'll get to indulge a little (though I'll stick to half a dessert if they are big).

It's amazing how less of a pull food has on me when all the sudden I stop telling myself I can't have it, and just give myself some rules around it.... (like if you'll just exercise like you normally do, and keep your calories in the range you need to be in the rest of the day, you can have your dessert...no problem) Guess that's why folks say "diets" don't work. It's like teens not being able to have alcohol, and all the sudden they go crazy with it when they go off to college, or they sneak it and get drunk. I grew up having access to it...and have never been truly drunk...why? Because it was never restricted for me, so I never felt the need to over indulge (and generally didn't want it much). When you tell yourself you can not have something, your rebellious subconscious does what's necessary to get the item, and has no meter to tell you when enough is enough. "Everything in moderation...."

This weekend will be full of activities...Christmas Party, a short Hike on Saturday, and on Sunday a 5k, then a trip to Dollywood to ride some rides and use our season passes one last time. Next year we have season passes to Biltmore instead...so we'll spend our "free time" over there hiking, kayaking, etc.

What do you guys have planned for the weekend??

The experiment...

2011-12-07T21:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm going to try out this "decadent dessert" idea. Where I budget 200 - 300 calories a day for something amazing...

The first stage is to use something like the Warm Delights Mini's + ice cream and see if the thought of having this in the evenings is enough motivation, and enough of a treat to get me through the day without screwing up.

The second stage will be to see if I can make a decadent dessert, cut it into the serving sizes per the box and have one serving a day (in other words, see if I can keep from eating the whole pan in one day...like I normally would).

Today was day 1 of Stage 1.... and it worked! I thought about my yummy dessert I was going to get to have, and amazingly enough passed up the 650 calorie double doozies at the Great American Cookie Company at the mall where I was wrapping gifts for Habitat for Humanity today. But it was only one day...lets see if I can repeat this tomorrow when at my client's house...the client with the candy jar full of fun sized candy bars. Or tomorrow while at Panera at the lunch meeting I have... shooooo...it's gonna be tuff!

All I can do is try...if it doesn't work...well I'll try something else. But I'm hopeful :)

The Reindeer Run!

2011-12-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

Today David and I did 5k #2 right here in Maryville. And let me tell you, I never realized how hilly this town is...good gravy!! We pushed hard, and honestly didn't walk that much. I was very proud of us with a time of 35:58. That's 1:07 better than our last, and with the hills, there's just no way to compare as the last wasn't nearly as hilly.

The fun part was they gave us little jingle bells...so I put them on my shoes. It was fun to run with the jingly sound. I'll keep them on there for the Santa Hustle 5k next sunday. Fun, fun!

Afterwards we headed over to Little River Trading Co where I bought a new pair of hiking pants. I'm down to 1 pair that will not fall down on me...so it was a much needed purchase! Anywho...I hope you guys did something good for your body this weekend! Peace out!

A Walk in the Woods...250 Miles this Year!

2011-12-03T23:06:00.001-05:00

Today I went out and did a solo hike in the Smokies to complete my goal of hiking 250 miles in 2011. I picked a fairly "easy" trail (though that term is relative to a persons experience...for me...it was easy). Total length 9.8 miles... time to complete with breaks...4 hours 40 minutes. It was a beautiful day with temps in the upper 50's. I have to say more than any weight related goal, I am super proud of this accomplishment. I set out in 2008 to become a "hiker"...and I'm not sure how many hikes one has to do to go from "someone who has been on hikes" to "a hiker"...but I know that I am "a hiker".

Sometimes I get so caught up on what that stupid scale says that I forget that for ME... I lose weight to be active. I am not active to lose weight. In other words...my lifestyle (the one I want and am creating) is active and there fore I want to lose weight to make the things I do easier. Some folks do these activities for the sake of losing weight...but not this gal (though sometimes it's an added benefit if I don't reeat what I've burned off). So to have reached a goal like this...it means more to me than having lost weight. So I'm pretty psyched.

Now to share...the bad. I did not properly pack snacks/lunch. I took 3 granola bars and about 15 almonds. And I thought about food for a good deal of the hike...what I wanted to eat when I got off the trail because "I deserved it" (rolleyes). What I really wanted was a good ole PB&J sandwich...but I didn't want to wait until I got home to eat...and instead of waiting (or just buying the stuff to make it), I got junk...ice cream cone, 2 reese's christmas trees...junk. By the time I got home, I was so tired (from the sugar crash..not the hike), and laid down. I wanted pizza...to which my sweet husband was just trying to be nice and went and got it. Thankfully...it wasn't that great and I stopped at 2 pieces, but felt so lethargic, and went back to bed where I stayed for 3 hours...*sigh*. I'm learning. If I would have JUST WAITED until I got home, had my pb&j sandwich I was craving, this evening would have gone better, and I would have felt better. I'm learning...and next time I'll buy the damn bread, pb & jelly if I can't wait...BUT I will NOT buy junk!!!

So on a happier note...here's some photos from my hike (I have a hiking blog..but haven't been faithful to keep it up...so I'll comingle today).

December Goals!

2011-12-01T08:03:00.000-05:00

Yay for December! I woke up to a world of white frost, so I'm getting a bit of work done before taking my run outside. I got my playlist together last night, and am ready to go rock it out...but I'm ready for it to warm up first! brrrr!

So here we go... here's my Goals for December:
1. Track my food every day!
2. Complete 2 5k's (and run as much as possible) (one this sunday, and one the next)
3. Be 5lbs lighter than I am today on Jan 1. (that would be 214). 5lbs doesn't sound like a lot...but remember I have birthday and christmas parties coming up.
4. Hit the gym 4 days a week (on top of any outdoors workouts)...this means some mornings I'll have to get it in first thing if the evening has activities planned.

Here we go!...

Just rambling...end of November

2011-11-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day of November...Yay! (oh that reminds me that it's my step dad's birthday and I need to call him!...back on topic...) I'm really glad it's the last day of November because I'm ready to see all my posts on the right hand side of the screen roll up under november so they aren't shown, and I'm ready to see more positive titles posted in December. I've struggled this month...especially the last few weeks, and I'm ready to see 12/1.

I think I've now finally purged the kitchen of the thanksgiving left overs (or at the very least gotten them out of site/out of mind...not before I did some damage on some left over fritos and taffy my mom left us... I tell ya if it's within my reach, and free, I will eat it...some day I hope to over come this...but today is not that day...and is that enough ellipses for ya?!)

The few positives I've done this week thus far:
1. Started tracking my calories...even for the above mentioned items.
2. Started back at the gym...2 days of exercising at least an hour in so far (tonight is just aqua zumba though...not so high intensity, but tomorrow I plan to get up early and do some run/walk intervals on the greenway)
3. Made a list of healthy snacks that I have in the house and posted them on the fridge door for when I'm feeling snacky.
4. Started working on a new goals list...got to have something measurable to work toward.
5. Planned my hike for Saturday that will push me over my goal of hiking 250 miles of trails in the Great Smoky Mtns National Park in 2011. (and we signed up to do a backpacking hike with our hiking group over new years... 3 days/2 nights, 23 miles...now that's a great way to kick off a health focused 2012!)

I've also really been enjoying reading blogs of folks who are also working on their health. Reading the struggles, set backs, methods, and success of others is just great motivation for me (cause I don't feel so alone in this as I struggle). One in particular that really has had me thinking is a gal who's blog name is "Runs for Cookies". I really like her approach to weight loss, and now maintenance... basically it's tracking calories in and out...and running for exercise. My favorite part of her method in her 125lb loss is the fact she had a dessert (like a brownie, or piece of pie) every single night. She just budgeted it in her calories. I really wish I had the control to have one piece a day if it was in the house...but I'm not there yet. Still...her story gives me hope and motivation. She is also a believer in "don't give up something while your dieting that you aren't willing to give up for life". And lemme tell ya.... this "grew up on southern food" gal isn't about to give up dessert for life. It's just not happening. I'd rather give my left kidney up than give up desserts for life (I'm rather fond of my right kidney though...I've never had any trouble with that one...so I'm not sure I'd be willing to give it up for brownies). But in all reality, if I can continue working out a healthy 4-5 times a week (where I burn off approx 500 calories a workout...though that's running higher these days) there's no reason I can't consume 200-300 calories of a "dessert" classed item if I eat healthy the rest of the day. But again, until I can have a pan of brownies in the house and only consume one serving per the package a day (in other words, not consume half the pan in one sitting and call that a serving), I'm not ready to try this approach out. I have great respect and admoration for those who have given up sugar (and other simple carbs) for the rest of their life...but I just don't "want" to... sad I know.

Well...on to the last month of 2011. Great things to come... like my 31st birthday... Oh, and Christ's Birthday... guess that's really more important than mine..ha! ;)

The Thanksgiving Recap...

2011-11-28T09:41:00.001-05:00

Thursday morning David and I got up at 6, then headed out for the 5k. It was so cold that morning (37), but once we started the race (with the other 2,100 peeps there), I warmed up fast. We had a great time running/walking it, and would do intervals in different time spurts (basically I'd go for as long as I could then walk). We jogged atleast 2/3rds of the race, and finished with a time of 37:05 (almost 3 minutes under our goal of 40min). I was very proud of us! Here's my race day photo:

Then we cooked the rest of day and waited for my family to get here...it was fun times. But, Thanksgiving has now come and gone, and the family is heading back down to MS/AL as I type. I had a great time with them, and lemme tell ya...we ate like kings/queens. I didn't enter this holiday with my health being a priority...I entered it with my my taste buds being the priority. I enjoyed the bountiful food of Thanksgiving for sure. Here's my mom and grandma and me:

And per my scale this morning...I still sit at that 220.0 I saw last Monday (and it was also there on Friday), so I guess this past week's damage was indeed 5lbs. But ya know, I'm seriously not going to sweat it, I'm just going to shift my focus back to my health for the next few weeks and get back to the gym!

I'm not really going to be Medifasting it, though I'll use some of the products as snacks. I'm going to try out SparkPeople for calorie counting as I've heard great things about it. (I was using another site, but it's not so great). I'm going to continue training for running a 5k all the way through, as that is still a goal I'd like to accomplish soon.

So yeah...sadly, the holiday is over, but I'm really ready for my eating and exercise routine to get back to a healthier version than what I did last week *sigh*. This morning started off right with a vitatop muffin, a boiled egg, and a glass of unsweet tea...(that's another goal...I REALLY need to work on my water/liquid intake... this weeks goal will be to also track my water). I also cleaned out the fridge, and tossed the left over pies (sorry mom... ;) ). My home is now *almost* the safe zone it was before this past week (still have some rolls, fritos, and dips my husband will work on today). Anyway...on with a new day!

Letting fear get to me...

2011-11-22T13:06:00.001-05:00

Every since friday, I have been struggling. You can get the drift in my last couple of posts. I have this fear that all of the sudden this week is going to start a trend that will have me gain back all the weight I've lost in the last few weeks and months. Is it a real fear...could it happen? Well absolutely. I've known and read about many people who've lost a bunch of weight, only to gain it back in a few months time. But I'm determined to not let it be me. Today...I'm trying to look deep and see why I've all the sudden started struggling again....

I think it's that I'm nervous about finances next year, after looking at this year so far the other day. I'm an accountant by day...so of course I keep up with every penny spent in one of those fancy bookkeeping programs that allow me to see exactly what came in, and what went out, and where it went, and where it came from. When I started my business this time last year, I knew we'd be living on savings for a while until I got up and running, and we did. About 1/3rd of what we spent this year was funded via savings, but of course it's tappered off in the later part of this year as my business did get kicked off, and I was able to make what I needed to, to pay my portion of the bills. But now for whatever reason, I'm nervous that I will lose my clients, and not bring in the income I need to (an irrational fear right now as things are going well). I'm nervous at the fact that David's primary place of employment has basically started cutting hours, and he'll get hardly any hours in from last week through the end of January (a rational fear). And while I know he's doing what he can, it does not keep the fear from messing with me. I already know and see that 2012 will be a hard year for us financially, and I think it evokes this "eat now or you won't have it later" issue that has been brought to my attention over this past year. It is an irrational fear and then a completely even more irrational response.

What makes it worse is that David also worries about the future of his job, then gets in a funk, which gets me in a funk since I am counting on him to do his part financially, and it just escalates my emotional response....and my emotional response is... (you'll never guess).... to eat!

I need to find another way to deal with it, to come up with a plan and a better budget (which is very hard when you are basically paid inconsistently on an hourly basis), and try to start cutting back (which is real, real hard in the holiday season). Life is stressful...and I'm feeling it, but I need to stop eating it...

Rebecca...seriously...get over it!

2011-11-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

This is a post to myself to try to speak some truth to the scale lie I saw this morning...and to just rationalize some issues.

Friday you weighed 215... if the scale Monday says you weigh 220, you know that logically there is no way in hadies you ate 17,500 calories more than what your body needs to function (~1,800 calories a day) in 3 days. The couple of donuts before the insane hike wasn't it. Neither was the mexican food for lunch yesterday, nor the popcorn you had last night. So why don't you get out of this "woe is me" state and realize the following:

1. You ate entirely too much sodium yesterday with that mexican quesadilla, pop corn, and broccoli cheddar soup.
2. Your leg muscles still hurt...which means they are still healing and therefore still retaining water.
3. You are sick...whether you want to admit it or not...that is a cold you have, and again, you will retain water as you always do when sick.
4. You probably did gain a pound to 2 lbs...but not 5....
5. The proper reaction to seeing a gain is to do something about it.... not make bad choices!

The scale will go down, but only if you get your head outta your arse and continue on with healthy choices, instead of making incredibly stupid ones because you are trying to medicate the sorrow of a perceived gain with crappy food which you believe will make you feel better. You feel like shit...so tonight, give yourself something healthy to eat, and get in a little exercise even with those achy muscles, and for crying out loud, drink some water to flush some of this stuff out!

And further more....please try to remember your goals, and don't let this week become a for real 5-10 lb gain. I know you have felt deprived and want nothing more than a free for all food weekend...but you have worked way too hard the last couple of months to mess it up in a week.

Somethings we need to discuss:
1. I do not understand why you have this idea that if you don't eat a bunch of something right now, you won't get any later? You are not a child who has to gobble stuff down so no one takes it away from you. You are an adult... if you want a donut on any given day you can have one...ONE... why do you need 4 - 6?

2. Why are you hiding and sneaking food? If someone sees you eat something and judges you...that is their issue, not yours. If they call you out on eating so much junk food, you need to grow up and stop justifying eating crap....maybe they are trying to help you.

3. Your car is not a "safe zone" to eat anything you want without repercussions....stop treating it that way.

4. Spanx do not cover up your gluttony...stop believing no one will be able to tell if you eat too much.

5. You need to stop believing you can have whatever you want if you work it off....if you wouldn't eat it, then having to spend an extra hour at the gym working it off, you'd have more time to work, and get things done at home, or spend more time with your husband.

6. Your life will not be empty if you pass on candy, cookies, cakes, pies, etc. Why can't you believe that?! You've had enough already to last a lifetime!

I will not give up on you no matter how many mistakes you make. I believe you are worth the fight.

Climbing Mountains...Literally...

2011-11-20T09:17:00.000-05:00

So Friday was a fun day at Dollywood! There was hardly any one younger than 60 there, so we were able to ride the rides over and over with sometimes no lines...and at most a 10 minute wait. It was AWESOME! We'd get off the ride and run around back to the front (which included stairs) each time. So I got in a good workout that day...ha! I did have an awesome dinner of turkey leg and soup...and bought 6 pieces of taffy (which I ate over 2 days) and a peppermint patty (which I shared with David and his brother). So I was pretty darn proud of myself.

Saturday, I got up bright and early and drove over to the Cosby, TN side of GSMNP (Smokies), and joined 3 other folks from my hiking group on a very intense hike. I'll throw out numbers...but unless you've ever hiked and kept up with mileage and elevation, it'll probably mean nothing to ya... We hike 5.3 miles up the mountain on the Snake Den Ridge Trail...a 3,400 foot elevation gain (crank your treadmill up as to to about 2/3rds of the incline it will go...then slow your pace down to about 1.75 mph, and stay there for 3 hours...that'll give you the idea). Then hiked across the Appalachian Trail (mostly down hill) for 4.7 miles. Then hiked down the very steep Low Gap Trail 2.9 miles...ow on your knees and hips. Total Mileage: 12.9 Total Time: 7 hours. It was tuff!! But man were the views amazing...and SNOW! It was my first snow hike of the season. I'm a little sore this morning..and have a mega blister on my heel...but I'm feeling pretty good.

But here's where I suck... I'm gonna go ahead and confess... I had donuts this day. Yep...on the way up there, I rationalized with myself the amount of calories I was going to burn...and the "hot now" sign drew me in. And the even sadder part is I don't regret eating them. They were very good, and I did work them off, but I could have worked off more of this weight I still need to lose. This balance of working off "treats" is fine when I get to goal weight...but not when I'm trying to lose weight. So I probably won't see the fruits of this hard hike on the scale, because I probably ate what I burned. I need to start a blog "Will hike for sugar"...*sigh* I'm still a work in progress...what can I say?

Weekly recap... It's weigh in day!

2011-11-18T08:55:00.001-05:00

So this week I went back on Medifast, and stuck to it for the most part except I did have 2 bites of mashed sweet potato last night, and a hamburger bun...and I may have had a non medifast protein bar yesterday. I worked out hard, and still only came out with a 2 lb loss, which I was a bit dissappointed in because I had seen a 3lb loss earlier in the week. I know I should be excited for the 2lbs, but I had weeks where I seriously screwed up, and still lost about the same amount of weight. But, what can I do? I'm still holding at 101 lbs lost...so I should be proud of that.

My tummy is visibly smaller though, so I'm hoping some of this is water retention in my legs from running... Yep, I started running this week. I've done it twice so far, and today will be day 3. I can't run the whole 3.1 miles yet, but I can do intervals of walking for 2 min, running for 4 min....so that is a start. David and I are going to try it on the asphalt today for the first time...eek!

So my plan for this week is just to do the best I can and try my best to stick to Medifast. Tomorrow I'm doing a "moderate to strenuous" 11.5 mile hike...then Sunday I plan to run again. So no slacking this weekend. Thursday's 5k will probably be the end of working out until after the family leaves Monday morning, so I'm going to do the best I can to keep up the exercise this week, even amongst the getting stuff ready for thanksgiving.

Today, David, his youngest brother, and I are heading to Dollywood...so lots of walking, and I will not make bad decisions! (though I may buy some kettle corn...or may save that til next friday when we go again with my family...we'll see!)

Have a good weekend everyone!

100lbs down! ...and signing up for a 5k...

2011-11-14T21:29:00.001-05:00

Yep... it took me 5 years, and almost 7 months (started April 2006), but I have FINALLY lost 100 lbs per my scale I bought back in 2006. If you read my first few posts you know I had already lost a few pounds before purchasing a scale...so I don't know where I truely started. But I have lost 100lbs per my scale.

It's just crazy to think about all the changes in my life in that time frame, and really some of those changes are to me, a bigger accomplishment than what the scale says, but I am still proud to finally have shed that much weight off my poor old body (it will be 31 in a month).


Before- Nov 2005


Before - Nov 2005

100 lbs down!

The side view

I wish I had more "before" pictures...but some how I didn't take many back in those days...hmm, wonder why? That girl in that first picture doesn't even look like me, and really, honestly, I don't remember looking like her (all the aspartame from diet cokes killed my memory maybe?). Most people who lose a significant amount of weight, say they still see their old self in the mirror and in their mind. But not me. Maybe the slow loss has given my mind time to adjust... I'm not sure. Either way...I'm somewhat starting to like the way I look in the mirror. Now, to tackle that other 50 lbs...

In other news: Today, outta nowhere, I signed David and I up for a 5k on Thanksgiving morning. One of my goals for 2011 was to run a 5k, and I haven't met that goal yet. So, I have 2 in mind before the year end. Truth be told I probably won't be able to fully run either (I didn't start training early enough), but I'd like to atleast run/walk them. Tonight at the gym, after RPM, I got on the treadmill, did a 5 minute warm up walk, then put my towel over the display, turned up the speed to where I could get a decent, but not fast, jog (which for me is about 4.7mph), and went for as long as I could until I felt I needed a break. I made it 5min30sec the first go, then 5min the second, 3min40sec the third, and 5min the 4th (well that fourth was when I saw I had 5 minutes of the 30 min I planned to be on the treadmill left, and I decided to run til the end). So that's over 19 minutes of run time in my 30 minute "evaluation" run/walk. So I should be able to run at least half the 5k next Thursday...and then will keep at it til the Santa one in December (more on that later...it's gonna rock with santa beards and shirts and such). I really want to try to check off this goal for 2011...but we'll see. I've only ever walked a 5k, and it's been over 3 years since I last did that. Looking forward to an early morning Thanksgiving Day Trot (before I chow down on an amazing feast!)

Oh...and in "other, other news", I also learned if I insist on working out like that (an hour of indoor cycling, and 30 minutes run/walking) instead of sticking to the 45 min low impact exercises Medifast recommends, I better have a protein bar or something in my car waiting on me afterwards. I got home and started making some deviled eggs, and felt so sick/nauseous, and got a little light headed for a few minutes. A medifast chocolate shake and some food made it better, but wow..that didn't feel good. Live and learn...

A day full of adventures...

2011-11-13T17:56:00.001-05:00

Today is day 3 of the 13 day Medifast challenge. Day 3 is always characterized by hunger and low energy as my body switches into that low carb/fat burning process. This morning I felt it too, and was tired...but the day got better...here's the story...

So this is really a "health" blog, but I'll share that today my husband and I checked out a Catholic Mass here in town. It's a long story as to why we did, and if you are one who has been seriously misinformed of the beliefs and practices of Catholics (as I have been growing up Baptist but have done much research on my own), it would require time to share the truth with you...which I don't have time for in this particular post...nor do I have all the facts yet, but I will. We went and visited one in Mobile with my mom and stepdad a few weeks back (one they are in the process of joining as my stepdad is Catholic already), and something just struck a chord with me... I can't explain it, but it just did, and justified checking into this "catholic thing". It was the first adventure of today...and we really enjoyed our visit, and are going to look into it further. I'm not sure we'll become Catholics...but I AM sure something is not right where I am (that may be a personal issue, or just not feeling a part of the church we are in). So yay for that adventure!

The second adventure was with the meet up group we are a part of that does hiking and other adventures in our area. We went on an 18 mile bike ride over here close to where we live. I was pretty impressed with myself as some of the hills that seemed so tuff when I first started biking seemed today like nothing (okay...well maybe not nothing, but they were much easier). It was a great workout (about 2 hours), and I felt accomplished. The great thing was, was that I had felt tired earlier in the day, but had ample energy to do the ride. So that was great.

Well I think the chicken is almost ready...so I have to go! I hope everyone has a good week.

"Girl look at that body...I workout".... I heart music!!

2011-11-12T11:06:00.001-05:00

So this morning as I was enduring hour 2 of indoor cycling (one Les Mills RPM class...and one normal "Spin" class), I noticed the instructor kinda lip singing, and I said "Sing to us Eric", which made him laugh and he started talking (through the heavy breathing as we peddled up a hill of course) about how much he loves music, and how hard it is to narrow down a play list for class. And he mentioned how it just has a way of keeping you going. He really did have an awesome play list that varied from "California Dreamin'" to "Sexy and I know it" (lyrics in my title). But anyway, I got to thinking how much I love music as well, and it really is the one thing that can make me push my body harder than I think I'm capable of. You just get in the groove, and sing along if you have the breath, and I couldn't imagine trying to workout without it. So today, in this month of Thanksgiving, I am VERY thankful for music!!

In other news...day one of the 13 day medifast challenge went great. I went out to eat with family at this awesome italianish place, and made a great choice of a salad with very little dressing, pan seared salmon, steamed broccoli and sauteed spinach w/ garlic. And I got in all 5 of my Medifast meals. So here's to day 2 which started out with a great workout at the gym!

Have a great weekend!

Day...well, does it really matter? 13 day challenge!

2011-11-11T13:56:00.001-05:00

Sooo, there's really no point in keeping up with what day I'm on since I haven't been faithful to the whole Medifast thing the last few weeks. So I'll have to be more creative with post titles!

As for my weigh in today...I maintained 217.0. I guess it's nice to know I do know how to maintain, but I already knew that, and was suppose to be on the "lose weight" train. So today I'm restarting Medifast for 13 days (until Thanksgiving day!). I want to enjoy Thanksgiving, and the bountiful food without feeling guilty, and without missing out on those awesome foods we only get one day a year (yes, you can make them any day of the year...but really...who does that?). So my plan is to lose a few pounds...and to be okay if a couple of them come back over Thanksgiving weekend. I have no intentions of gaining a bunch of weight...but I'm okay with a pound or two coming back. But I want to earn those pounds first!

In other news, it feels great being back on the workout trend. I've been working out pretty much every day for atleast an hour (usually more) and am really enjoying the classes at my gym. Here was this week's schedule:

Monday: Eliptical/Treadmill while watching the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie... 1 hour
Tuesday: Zumba 1 hour & Eliptical while watching BL 45 minutes
Wednesday: Yoga 1 hour & Water Zumba 1 hour
Thursday: RPM - 45 min & Body Jam 1 hour (it's like "just dance" but as a class...in the dark...with christmas lights on the ground and a disco ball thing throwing colors and such...kind of a club feel...it rocks!)
Friday (today) - 1 hour... treadmill & eliptical while watching X-Men First Class (great movie!)
Saturday (tomorrow...) I "may" attempt 2 RPM classes back to back (spin class) eeek! We'll see ;) And then Gardening!!

So all in all, it wasn't a bad or good week...it just "was" ;)

Day 61 - A Product Review

2011-11-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

This week has been an okay week. I'm honestly not sticking to Medifast's diet, but I am using the products as snacks and such. I've been exercising faithfully, and hopefully all that wine from the weekend (and KarmelKorn) won't show up on the scale tomorrow, but if it does...eh, whatever.

So since I haven't been Medifasting this week, what I have been doing is experimenting with some snack foods that I can use once I completely go off of Medifast (whether I make it to my goal weight, or decide to take an extended break). The great thing about Medifast is that the "meals" (I use that term loosely, because who seriously calls a 100 calorie snack bar a meal anyway), are so convenient. No cooking, or preparing, just pull it from the pantry and go. So I've been on the lookout for some similar products that are maybe a little less processed, or that just taste different (I'm getting pretty burned out on the taste of the soy ball things that are in the bars).

So here are some items that I give a thumbs up to...and why:

1. Fage Greek Yogurt (pronounced Fay-ya). Holy moly this is good stuff. I never really was a fan of normal yogurts, but something about the texture of this one is great. Greek yogurt has a very sour taste to me, but these have little fruit or honey mix ins that make it wonderful. (Honey is my favorite thus far, but the Strawberry and blueberry/acai I've had are great too). They have a 0% version too...but to me the little 2.5 grams of fat in the 2% version is worth the better flavor. Cal 130/Fat 2.5/Net Carbs 18/Protein 10 (cost @ Kroger - $1.40...I got it on sale this week for $1.00)

2. Vitatops! What's great about these is they have just about the same amount of vitamin/minerals as those Medifast meals. I've had these before, so it wasn't a new venture. I've had the Chocolate, Apple Crumb, and Banana Nut. All are very yummy and soft. Cal 100/Fat 1/Net Carbs 17/Protein 3 (I do wish they had more protein)(Cost @ Kroger $4.35...$1.08 each)

3. Power Bar (I'm trying all kinds of protein bars...but these were in a box on sale so we got them...) Toffee Chocolate Chip. Yum! And big...and chewy! This really is almost (not quite) a meal. They really are great. I've had one of these and a Fage for lunch a couple times this week...(Total meal was Cal 370/Fat 7.5/Net Carb 55/Protein 20...carbs are a bit high...but with the amount of exercise I'm doing, I'm not concerned here). There are several PowerBar flavors, so I'll keep trying different ones. Cal 250/Fat 5/Net Carbs 37/Protein 10 (Cost...I can't remember!...less than $1.50 each though)

4. Balance Bar. (Kroger had a big sale on bars this week, so we bought several...when getting them, a lady snatched up all these chocolate mint cookie crunch bars, so I said "those must be good". She said she was on a low carb diet before and these were approved, and she really liked them...so I tried them too). These are also very good and chewy and have the same vitamins/minerals as the Medifast bars. Many flavors to choose from...and claim to be "all natural". This week I had this one, a chocolate chip cookie dough, and a mocha chip...all good. I'll keep getting these for sure. Cal 200/fat 7/net carbs 21/protein 14 (whoo hoo protein!) (Cost @ Kroger $1.25 each)

5. Medifast Dutch Chocolate. Okay...not a non-medifast thing, but I really love these shakes. They are so easy to carry with you, and taste great even when not chilled. So I think I'll keep getting these even after I "fly solo". (I've been having one of these and a vitatop for breakfast this week...a 190 cal breakfast isn't bad) Cal 90/Fat 1.5/Net Carb 9/Protein 11 (Cost from Medifast - $2.71 each...comes in a case of 24...you don't want to do the math)

Some of these look a little expensive when you see them on the shelf...but I'm spending anywhere from 2.35 to 2.71 per "meal" on Medifast, and 1-4 of the above aren't anywhere close to that (especially if you get them on sale). So while I'll stick with Medifast a while longer, in the long run, it's just too expensive. (Not expensive if you eat out all the time and spend tons of money on fast food or restaurants...but for those of us who don't do that...it is more expensive than normal eating).

And...that's all I have for now. If you have any quick snacks you really like (not ones you have to prepare before hand...ones you buy at the store and eat as is) let me know! I'd like to start a big list so I can keep semi healthy, protein packed snacks around! (more than carrot sticks and light ranch dressing..ha!)

Day 57 - (post 2 of 2)...The Ice Skating Story...

2011-11-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

So in post 1 of 2 I was in a crappy "I hate this diet" mood... (PS...that hamburger David made me and the baked sweet potato rocked... yum!)

Anyway...so here is a good story for today from this weekend:

So David and I were in Gatlinburg, and decided to go to Ober Gatlinburg via the tram (a huge car thing that sits on a wire and goes up the mountain...over gatlinburg).

The only thing up at Ober right now is the building with the ice skating rink, shops, a slide, and a ski lift which takes you higher up the mountain (which we did as well). I've come up to Ober atleast 2 other times that I can remember....both with my dad...once in my teens and the last time was end of October 2004. Both times I remember sitting around the rink watching folks on the ice wishing I could do that. But at my size and lack of self confidence, I never would try. I would just be a spectator. That is who I once was...

Well...on this trip, after watching the people for 2 minutes, I said "let's do this"...and so, we did. Paid our money, got our skates and put them on. I was so nervous to stand up on those thin pieces of metal, but somehow I did. We got to the ice, and those first few steps were scary, as was that first trip around the rink holding on to the bar. David showed me a few tips, and each time got a bit easier. Eventually I let go of the bar and went around a bit without the bar. And of course as I knew I would...I got a bit too confident and fell once, hurt my pride and my knee, but I got back up. It was an awesome feeling and experience. After a while my ankles started to hurt, but I didn't want to stop, so we breaked a while and then went back out for a few more loops. I'm no where near confident in this..but I can say I've done it, and will do it again. There's no way my ankles would have been able to do this at a heavier weight...so this is one more thing I can now do thanks to being a bit lighter. I'm living instead of spectating...and that is a great reward :)

Day 57 - (1 of 2)...A hard day....

2011-11-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

Well in update, I'm on day 6 of no candy/desserts until Thanksgiving...so far so good... And I lost one pound last week so I'm down to 217 (well that's what the scale said friday anyhow)

This is post 1 of 2... and the reason is, is that I'll have a more upbeat one telling a story from this weekend, but this one, is about how I feel right now, today...and it's not good.

David and I went to Gatlinburg this weekend on a mini "holiday"...(I like that word better than our "vacation" word we use here in the US). Anyway, I did very well with my eating, and dodged the 50ish or more candy/ice cream shops in Gatlinburg, and didn't have desserts when we went out, nor any really fruity drinks...I tried to stick to wine which is a little more friendly, BUT...it sucked...I mean it really sucked. I'd watch some skinny girl walk by munching on her ice cream, or drinking her big ole sugar laden daiquiri and it just made me sad...and irritated...and I'd think "well if she can eat that and not gain weight, why can't I"? One time David went into this candy shop and got some ice cream while I decided to stand outside and look through the window like a poor kid who could only dream about such treats...and it wasn't fun. Sure I could have gone in, but it's like being teased by all those sugary, no doubt tasty treats. And I felt that way at the restaurants where my former "non dieting" self would have ordered up dessert, or when walking back through gatlinburg after dinner... it's like I couldn't not think about it.

Today when we left the hotel, I was so hungry but didn't want a medifast bar for breakfast, and as we passed the pancake houses, and that Krispie Kreme in Pigeon Forge where I'd stopped with my dad many times on our trips up there...I started to feel ticked off and mad at this whole diet thing again. Why can't I stop and have a pancake or have a donut or six?! Everyone else is!!

Then with that, came memories of my dad as we passed through Pigeon Forge, and how much I miss him, and the tears started to roll, and still are as I type this up... I'm having a very "feely" day, and no...it's not that phase of the moon or anything... You'd think that losing him to obesity related issues at age 57 would make me crave food less...but nope, it just makes me want it more.

I hate being on a diet today, I hate being fat, I hate that my dad is gone, and I hate not being rich (let's just throw that in today for good measure)... today, is just not a good day.

I do have a very sweet husband that is trying to be encouraging, and I do appreciate him... He asked if I could commit to this diet for two full weeks, and I said No, I couldn't. I haven't been 100% on plan for two full weeks since I started. Right now, I don't want to think about having to eat one more of those bars...or one more wanna be pancake...or one more fake egg. He asked if I could commit to one week... right now, in this moment, my answer is still no. What I want for dinner is a hamburger (with cheese AND a bun), and a sweet potato...and so I think that is what we are making. Tomorrow, I hope I can wake up and commit to this for one week... we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 53 - Working off Halloween...

2011-11-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

No Sweets Til Thanksgiving Challenge - Day 1 of 23... (Becca 1 - Sugar 0 ) Did great...no candy or cookies or other sweet things!...but boy was I craving it like mad. Shoo!

Yesterday I started a "sugar fast" so to speak, by getting back on plan. My body definitely was craving some sugar (another down side of giving in to sugar cravings...they just create more sugar cravings), but I held fast and white knuckled it through the day. I had my 5 Medifast meals, some cabbage soup for lunch, and some left over salmon and turnip greens for dinner. So it was a good day.

Yesterday's Exercise: 1 hour of Zumba & 1 hour 10 min on the Eliptical watching Biggest Loser. (Take that Halloween Candy!!!)

In other news, I've already purchased a few E-books (okay some were free) for this Kindle I don't even have yet...but man I want to open it early, so I'm sticking with this no sweets challenge!

Day 51 - Halloween...sugar overload...

2011-10-31T20:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've sucked today. This is what I've eaten:

Breakfast: Medifast Dutch Chocolate Shake
Snack: Candy
Lunch: Left over grilled Chicken Breast
Snack: Medifast Peanut butter crunch bar...Then: Candy...more candy, and more candy
Dinner: Cereal
Snack: Candy..candy, and probably some more candy...

See at the start of this day, I somehow justified it saying...it's just one day...have all the candy you want. I know, I know, I know...I should have never given myself the green light cause once you have that first piece, there is no satisfied fulfillment...you just crave more.

Two things I have done/will do that are good: I went to the gym and knocked 700 calories out of my system in a high intensity RPM (spin) class (I literally pushed myself as hard as I could) and 15 min on the elliptical. And as soon as the door bell stops ringing, I'm bagging up the left over candy, and sending it to work with my husband tomorrow morning.

As with any holiday guilt...here's my resolutions: Tomorrow I promise to get back on the "real" Medifast 5&1 (not my half assed version I've been doing the past several weeks) and I'm challenging myself to abstain from candy and sweets (other than my medifast brownie of course) until Thanksgiving Day.... that's 24 days... I can do this, and will report in on the progress. My prize will be to open my Kindle Fire early (I ordered it for my birthday, which is not until 12/15...sweet!)

Day 50 - Shopping!!

2011-10-30T21:19:00.001-04:00

So it's been a pretty decent weekend. I didn't go hiking but I did start off saturday morning at the gym. I did a RPM (Spin) class and a Zumba class back to back. My eating has been pretty decent... I did have a half portion of cheese grits and mashed sweet potatoes at Puleo's tonight, and a small reese's cup, but other than that not too shabby.

Anywho...today after church I headed to JcPenny to return an item and to use a coupon I had on my search for some winter clothing. They had a bunch of cute sweater dresses, and since I was wearing my black tights already under my black pants (I was a door greeter at church this morning and it was COLD out), I decided to try a few on.... and walked out with two. I really had my doubts they'd look decent on me, but turns out...I don't look too much like a stuffed sausage...well maybe a little, but they are cute. But I was a little dissappointed in JcPenny's shirts and sweaters, so I moseyed on over to Belk. I walked in and they had a huge selection of cute long sleeved shirts and sweaters. I spent well over an hour there, and spent a bit more than I should have, but left with another sweater dress (so I have 3), 3ish sweaters, and some shirts to go under those sweaters. Tonight I tried them all on for David to give me the "thumbs up"...ha. So hopefully I look decent in them all. Here's a few pictures:

After I got in from shopping, David and I headed back out and I purchased a yoga mat (and he got shoes...his one purchase of the day), then we headed to Lowe's and got in a workout as we loaded, then unloaded edging bricks, bags of pea gravel, top soil and mulch for some yard/greenhouse work. Then it was on to dinner with the Tremont folks at Puleo's...where I think I did fairly well with my eating...though you always feel you could have done better.

Onto another week...

Day 48 - Recap of week 7...down 2.0

2011-10-28T09:04:00.000-04:00

This week's weigh in = 218.0 (-2.0 from previous)

While I am really proud of that 2.0, I know I could have done better if I would have eaten better this week. I don't think I did the 5 & 1 but one day this week (Sunday)...the rest of it I kinda half-assed (pardon the language), and ate way too many "sweet" things (though this week was much an improvement to what all I devoured last week). My only saving grace was the ridiculous amount of exercise I did this week. So while I wasn't perfect, I still earned those 2lbs, but it could have been much more.

Here's the workout recap:

Friday: Rest day
Saturday: Bike ride...34 miles...but really only had to "work" for about 12ish miles
Sunday: Only activity was a little walk up a hill to see ponies...
Monday: RPM (Spin) 45 minutes
Tuesday: Zumba (1 hour) + 45 minutes on the eliptical watching BL
Wednesday: Mowing the hill that is my backyard with a half push mower (push going up the hills..ha! (1.5 hrs) + Beginner Yoga (1 hour) + Aqua Zumba (1 hour)
Thursday: RPM (Spin) 45 minutes + 25 on the treadmill on a steep incline

So yeah...this week's focus... keep the sweets in moderation!...grrrr! But one awesome thing...I'm out of the 20's...and into the teens...and am only 2lbs away from losing 100lbs since I started the first phase of this journey to health back in 2006! Yeah!!...the slow turtle that will win the race... ;)

In other news...I have realized/remembered that I gave a lot of my "too big for me" or "I don't feel pretty in this" winter clothes away...which means I have all of about 4 long sleeve shirts and sweaters. I'm not excited about going shopping, but I really need to. *sigh*

Day 45 - Weekend Recap, and thoughts

2011-10-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

The weekend went pretty well...I mean no, I wasn't exactly perfect, but I tried to be reasonably conscious of my decisions. The bike ride on the Virginia Creeper Trail Saturday was great, and toward the end of the 34 miles, I decided to push it hard to the finish...and that felt great, and insured I got a good workout. I then started off this week right by hitting the gym for RPM (spin), at 8:30 monday morning which rocked.

Tonight is normally "workout while watching biggest loser" night, but I'd like to go to Zumba first, so I don't know how long I'll make it after that on the elliptical since Zumba is one hour and ends at 7:45...(15 min before BL even starts). We'll see ;)

Thoughts...

Watching the BL a couple weeks ago, one of the trainers got really upset at a contestant who was making fun of his belly...he was using humor to cover the issue...to make it okay or what not. Laughing at himself before someone else did. I've become keenly aware of a friend who also does this, and it makes me sad. It's not funny...and people around this person are laughing along and making it okay, while all the while I'm thinking "will you folks be laughing when you are at her funeral before she hits 40 because you are playing along making her think morbid obesity and eating fast food and ice cream all the time for dinner is okay?!" It makes me sad, and makes me mad, and if I say anything about it, everyone is quick to defend her.... I know we all have free will, and it's no one's job but our own to take care of our bodies or not. But something in me feels really raw when I think about her, and how I wish I could help her.... but just like me, it'll have to come from inside her, not folks on the outside. I just hate that those that care about her the most, and love her the most, are reinforcing bad behaviors...but I'm finding this first world we live in is constantly reinforcing bad behaviors too... I just need to remember to take care of me, and be available if someone does want help, and if not, to not take it to heart so much.

Day 41 - The results...

2011-10-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well this is the end of week 6, and just as I had suspected with my craptastical eating this week, I didn't lose anything. BUT the good news is I didn't gain anything either. Still sitting at 220.0. Honestly, I'm pretty thankful for that. I threw much caution to the wind this week in my eating, and didn't go to the gym monday or tuesday (though I ate way more than I should have). I did get in two great days of workout (I listed Wednesday workout in the prior blog post, and yesterday I did Spin for an hour, and the treadmill for 20 minutes).

This week, is starting off okay (friday is the start of my week). I've had a medifast meal, and a couple of the Kashi TLC cookies...yeah okay not the best choice, but they are full of wholegrain goodness, and complex carbs (not simple sugars). I will hit the gym every day I can this upcoming week, and hopefully the bike ride tomorrow will help curb some of the foods I'll have have over the weekend. Atleast there is no alcohol planned for the weekend, so that will help to.

Ups and downs in diet and life...that's just the way it goes. But I'm determined to have a better week :)

Day 39 - Damn the Detours...

2011-10-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

So last week was a great week...and then from there, I've sucked basically.

I blew the "no candy, no soft drinks" thing within like the first few hours after I weighed in, and justified it with "I did so well last week, one day off plan isn't going to hurt". Then I had like 3/4ths a bottle of very sweet wine Saturday night while camping and having way too much fun with the hiking group, and there may have been some brownies that night too. Then Monday there was reese's and yesterday there are rumors of marble slab with a friend... I didn't journal what I ate Friday until yesterday (Tuesday). And while I biked 11 miles Friday, Hiked 8 miles Saturday, and Walked 5 miles Sunday, I have yet been to the gym this week.

Why all the screw ups? No big reason...I mean sure there's been tons of work, and I'm a bit stressed, etc, etc, but basically: I've let the "fat" girl in me have the ice cream and reese's she wants, the "wants to be social" girl in me have her wine, and the "work comes before self" girl in me work when I should have been at the gym. And let me tell ya I feel it. I have this little roll that sits between my bra line and my belly button, and I can quickly feel when I've had too much to eat. All in all, I lost focus, and got lazy... it happens.

So, today's a new day, and I'm doing pretty darn good. I've been eating my medifast meals, and optional snacks, and have plans to hit the gym tonight pretty darn heavily...here's the line up:

5:30 Beginner Yoga (this should be a hoot...I've only ever done yoga in my old apt with a video I was watching)
6:45 Aqua Zumba (did it once...it was fun, so I'll try it again)
8ish...hit the eliptical for some real cardio for 30 minutes

I don't know that I can salvage this week on the scale, (Friday morning is my weigh in), but atleast I have a plan to get out of the downward spiral.

(pass on the kicks in the ass, or some encouraging words...either is great... ;) )

Update: I spent 3 hours at the gym last night... Yoga was great...good stretching and relaxation...Aqua Zumba was much fun even though there was only 3 of us. I think the cold/wet weather kept folks out of the gym.... then I did the eliptical for 35 minutes. Lots of changing of clothes, but it was a great workout night. Then there was that awesome 4th workout...but we won't go there ;)

Day 34 - A Bra Story... This one is for the ladies...

2011-10-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

The Bra..... that one undergarment that some of us love, some of us hate....some of us wish we resembled those victoria secret angels in them...some of us like plane jane white ones, and some of us like the leopard print... whatever your view, just about all of us ladies wear them (I say just about all...as I have a few relatives who feel they shouldn't have to wear them, and lets just say triple d's to your knees are not pretty under your t-shirt....*gag*!!)

Do you remember your first one? Was it one of those cute little training bra's with the pretty flowers and bows? I see those in the store and think "how cute to be a pre-teen". My first one was a sports bra... yes, one of those things that holds your boobage down and smooshed together...not lift them up or seperate... a sports bra. I remember shopping for my first bra with mom...it was horrid. I was too fat to fit into any of those cute training bra's, and yet didn't have enough cup to even where a normal A I don't guess....or maybe I was too fat for the a cups band sizes (I'll have to follow up with mom on that...but since I ended up with a sports bra that must have been the case). Then it seems at some point I moved up to those ugly grandma Playtex bra's you see in the cartons at dept stores with the padded shoulder straps. Again due to my large size and small boobs.... the teen years were horrid in the bra dept!!

At some point I remember finally getting my first girly bra at Lane Bryant in college I think.... a size 46 C.... And really that C was too big but they didn't make a 46B (Lane Bryant's cup sizes are always larger than what you'd find in a normal store... like a D cup at any other store would equal a C cup at Lane Bryant. Anywho...it was uncomfortable having all that empty space in my bra cup, but atleast I had a "normal" bra.

So shopping for bra's was pretty much restricted to Lane Bryant or similar "big gal" stores. The problem.... 99% of overweight women have large breasts (I'm talking D+)...I mean breasts are pretty much just fatty tissue, so why wouldn't they? So here I am, a very large woman with a B cup, and I'm lucky if Lane Bryant has 3 bra's for me to choose from....even when I got down to a 42 B. It sucked. Until....

Today I went to the Lane Bryant to use a gift card I had to buy a new bra, or two. They had their sale going on, and when I walked in a lady mentioned the said sale, and asked if I'd like a bra fitting. I said "sure...it's been a while since I've bought new bra's". She asked what size I had been wearing and I said "42B"...to which she said, "I think you need to go smaller"...and measured me and said "Yep, you need to be in a 40B here, or C elsewhere". Upon looking at just about every row of bra's, they had ONE 40B.... Why???? Because gals that wear 40B don't shop at Lane Bryant...they shop at "normal" stores. So I bought a pair of pants there (....my top may be smaller, but my hips are still large...ha!), and headed to JcPenny (okay there were some other stops in between...but they have nothing to do with this story).

At JcPenny, I walked into the lingerie section, started looking around and couldn't believe the options available to someone who wears a 40C ...holy cow at the colors, patterns, push ups, wires, wireless, tshirt material, satiny material, lacey, etc etc available. It was a bit overwhelming. So I picked up two 40C's from two different brands, went to the dressing room and tried them on thinking "seriously this isn't going to work...she must have been mistaken". But I put them on, and they looked and felt great!... I had one of those "Yes!!" moments in the dressing room. So I left with 4 fun, pretty, girly bra's. Side note...also, they were much cheaper than lane bryant...so score!

This is one of those "Non Scale Victories" the WW peeps refer too...and to me, sometimes they are much better than a lower number on the scale.

Side story: I went shopping today because Janet told me my black pants I was wearing Wednesday made my butt look saggy...meaning they had gotten too big, and she was right. So yay for new pants and new bras! Sweet!

Day 29 - Another week flies by...and new pants...

2011-10-08T21:24:00.000-04:00

So yesterday's weigh in was 224.0 (-13.5 for the first month...yay!).

I had a talk with Janet (my health coach), and we worked through some issues and I'm really pumped going forward. Basically I was concerned on the lack of carbs (simple sugars) needed while hiking...she contacted the medifast nurses staff, and they said... add in fruit and up the lean & greens on hike days. This morning I had a mini- yogurt/fruit/granola parfait, and had an apple on the trail, I think it really helped. I'm not concerned with coming out of "fat burn"...cause even when you are not in ketosis, you can still lose weight. My biggest concern was wanting energy (quick energy)... so it worked well. I went on a 9 mile hike with the hiking group, and did great!

But here's my best accomplish... this morning I was putting on my hiking pants which had been loose for a while, went to walk to the bathroom door, and they kinda slid down my hips wayyy too far. I thought "crap...this isn't going to work" and remembered a pair of hiking pants I bought from LL Bean on clearance 2 decembers ago that turned out being way to small...I went and grabbed them and put them on....and they fit perfectly! Whoo hooo...that made my day. (Well..except I'm down 2 pairs of hiking pants...and only have one pair that fit me now...shopping time!)

So the weight is coming off slowly...but it IS coming off. I'm hopeful :) I got my second month's shipment of Medifast meals in friday. This time I stuck with the bars, ready made shakes..dutch chocolate...awesomeness, pancakes, faithful brownies, and these cheese puff wanna be things which were good. So yeah...on to month 2!!

This weeks goals:

- No candy!! (so far so good)
- No diet sodas (so far so good)
- Exercise! (so far so good!)

Day 21 - Weekly Weigh in... VFT, and other thoughts

2011-09-30T08:27:00.000-04:00

This morning's scale reading - 225.5 (-1.5 from prior week)

This is the lowest I've EVER seen on a scale as an adult or even high schooler! I'm proud of myself for finally making it here. The Weight Watcher boardies always referred to this as "Virgin Fat Territory"...cause from this point on it'll be the lowest ever as long as I keep losing. So yeah! And I'm proud because this has been one tuff week!

I posted about having low energy at the gym.... well yesterday I had a few off plan carbie things... a Kashi granola bar, a few Kashi Crackers, and 2 Marshmellow's... Still I was way below my body's minimum daily calorie needs, but knew I'd probably thrown myself out of fat burn again...so I decided to hit the gym. In the past couple weeks, I've only been able to stay on the eliptical maybe 20 minutes because I just felt energyless... well yesterday, after having those few carbs that amounted up to 270 calories, I burned 650 (725 per the machine, but I know it lies) calories in an hour on the eliptical, and I could have kept going I had so much energy. So it kinda sucks knowing that while my body does give me energy to survive while in "fat burn", it's not doing such a great job of giving me abundant fast energy for a great workout like this. I'll get back in to fat burn and try again next week...

And one more thought... I wish we lived in a world where people complimented more. We all love them, and it makes us all feel good...so why don't we?... Example... yesterday while I was busting it on the Eliptical, a gal walks in the cardio theater and gets on to the machine next to me. She smelled really nice...like vanilla, so I told her she smelled good, and thanks for covering up the sweaty smell in theater, and she thanked me a couple times and told me about her lotion or what not, and then we started talking about the movie that was showing (it was in the credits, so we could talk)... When I went to leave, she sweetly told me to have a great night....which in turn made me feel good. Compliments just open the door for conversation, by putting folks in a "I feel good about myself" kind of mood. Normally at the gym, folks don't talk... they come and go from the machines, but unless you know the person next to you, it's pretty quiet. So...challenge of the day... go give someone a compliment! ;)

We are off to Gma's, then Mom's tomorrow...I'm sure it'll be a challenging weekend, but I'll do my best. :)

Day 19 - Going to Events, feeling left out, doubts...

2011-09-28T15:18:00.001-04:00

Well, still doing the Medifast thing. And I admit this is hard! All the promises of how you won't have cravings, and you'll have abundant energy I'm finding are lies. Now I'm not saying I'm ready to give up, no where close, what I'm saying is this diet takes extreme stubbornness to stick with. Every day I struggle with my brain (yes my brain, not my stomach) telling me it wants "bad foods". My mouth waters when the vision or the smell of something "bad" is near me, or I see it on the computer/tv. At any random point in the day, I'll think about how good a hamburger would taste right now, or a warm gooey chocolate chip cookie, or the amazing 7 layer bars my husband makes up at Tremont.... It's like I can't keep it out of my mind. And I don't feel energized... eating all this protein, and when I hit the gym, I'm doing good if I have the energy to get in a mild 45 minute workout.

Today, I had basically round 4 (that I can recall at the moment) of having to say no to food that was given to me, or free, and that I really wanted (Recap: Round 1 - Tremont Homecoming...cupcakes, pulled pork, roasted sweet potatoes, Round 2 - River Boat Cruise...warm rolls, carrots, baked potatoes, and cheesecake, Round 3 - Baby Shower - Cake, sandwiches, candy, fruit, punch, etc....). Round 4 was a benefit lunch for Habitat for Humanity at the Hilton today. I had to say no to the yummy looking soup as there was no salad. The only thing on my plate I could eat was a grilled chicken tenderloin, and a couple of green beans... I couldn't eat the carrots, nor the rice, nor the pineapple slice, NOR the amazing looking cheesecake or Chocolate pudding/syrup concoction with a waffer stick and cherry on top. So out of the last 19 days, I've had atleast 4 functions where I couldn't eat. And honestly IT PISSES ME OFF!!!! And it sucks! Oh shoot...I just realized this was Round 5... the first was a lunch my 3rd day which had Pizza for lunch...and I had to pay, and still couldn't eat it.... okay, make that 5 out of 19 days.

I look around at the room of people eating all this stuff without a care, and without a fat body (Okay, well maybe some of them were...but the majority not) and wonder how?! How is this possible??...Was I the only person out of 250+ people who couldn't eat this stuff?...and Why? I feel awkward and left out not getting to eat like every one else is... In the end, I "can" eat this stuff, but because I want to give this diet a chance, I don't. I guess I'm still hopeful this will work.

But then I'm worried this low cal diet is killing my metabolism, and will it really be able to go back to burning the 1,800 calories I should be able to take in and maintain my goal weight without gaining when I get there?? My health coach has assured me it's not messing up my metabolism...but I'm still a little nervous.

Talking to some ladies today, the subject came up of just doing 6 small meals a day and not buying this diety food... but again I struggle with the freedom of choice...and don't trust myself to pick out healthy foods. Though right now I'm like "yeah I could do that!...I miss fruit", etc... but I know I need to stay on this diet a while longer. And incorporate those small meals of "real food" in maintenance...not weight loss.

It's just tuff... still trucking along though...

**Edit...just remembered another one... having to abstain from eating chips and salsa and my taco salad shell...couldn't have the cheese sauce nor sour cream that I like on it... Sunday at lunch with the inlaws at El Sazon (Make that 6 out of 19 days...)...

**Edit, Edit... remembered the amazing blueberry cobbler that was made at a clients that they wanted to share with me...(Make that 7 out of 19 days)

Day 17 - Mondays are no fun

2011-09-26T17:48:00.000-04:00

Mondays...why must they suck so?! I just felt like I kept making mistake after mistake today. I really wasn't, I was just overwhelmed with the amount of stuff thrown at me by one of my clients, and I had gotten it all done, when I was ready to head out, only to find I had made a mistake on something last week. Not a huge deal (and really not all my fault), but just something I'm going to have to go back over to client's house to fix tomorrow, and I don't want to.

Then I'm on my way home, when I stop at the bank for the above client, go to raise my window after going through the drive thru, when I hear this loud pop, and my window won't go up. No big deal...EXCEPT it's raining. And all attempts to push it up fail as it slides right back down. I got it up, crammed something next to it and the edge to hold it up, and went on home. There my kitties wouldn't stop meowing like mad wanting to go outside, then wanting dinner... (which of course I fed them...) But it's just been a Monday from hell as they say.

I felt stressed, and worthless, and so of course that "feed me" sensation kicked in, and I just wanted to eat!... But I had my lean and green for the day, and my Medifast brownie for dessert and I feel okay. It's raining, and dreary, and sort of calming, so I think I'll be fine.

It's just amazing how our bodies instinctively try to use food to calm us and make things better. But I once heard someone say "If hunger isn't the problem, food is not the solution"... and that's very true. All those problems and worries will still be there after you medicate with food, so don't even go there.

I'm certain tomorrow will be a better day, so I just have to keep holding out :)

Day 15 - A Vision & A Shower.....

2011-09-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

Well, Day 14 wasn't so great honestly, I had reached out for some "keep going encouragement" from my health coach, and in my opinion, didn't really receive much.... but ya know, it just makes me more aware that I have to want this for myself, and it really is no one's choice but mine to make it work... Over all I've done pretty darn well though. We went on a river boat dinner cruise friday, and I made good decisions and ate only ONE bite of my cheesecake. And let me tell ya it was good... but it felt good choosing to have only one bite and being satisfied.

Today I went to a vision board workshop again. Last time my vision board had several aspects of my life on it, but this time it had one... and it was all about what I'm working on right now and what this blog is all about ....and that is getting healthy, and feeling sexy. Here's a picture of it:

I'll use it as a tool every morning to focus on another day of trying to get healthy. (PS if you've never done a vision board...you should...it's a lot of fun, and works on the "power of attraction" When we look at these images, our brain will go out and seek them, so I'm hoping my brain will help me subconsciously make decisions that will some day get me feeling this way with a healthier body)

Tonight I went to a baby shower for a friend, and it was really tuff, but I made it through. They had all this food (fruit, sandwiches, chips, candy and a huge cake), and there were only about 10 of us there, so I grabbed a few olives and the meat of a sandwich and ate that, and avoided the cake by holding someone's baby instead...shoo! I know it won't be the last function that I have to find away around the food, but it sure is tuff... I came home and made my lean and green, and I feel really good about making great choices today :)

Onward!

Day 13 - One tuff day...boredom attacks...

2011-09-22T18:05:00.000-04:00

This has been the tuffest day so far. It started with seeing a half pound addition back on the scale this morning...227.5. Then I spent most of my morning playing with this blog (adding pages) and looking at others. I dwelled on this whole food/weight thing way too long today. That translated into never really getting started on work, so that = no productivity, which equaled my brain signalling "I'm hungry" (which is what it does in the boredom/no productivity times). I ate all my medifast meals, and my leans by 4:30...and I was craving junk like mad!

I emailed my coach, who gave me a few words of wisdom... not before I had eaten about 10 chocolate covered peanuts. Then I went out and mowed the grass to get my mind off of it and to get my body moving. I'm already at 999 calories, and 96g of carbs (net of 74), so I really don't need to eat anything else.

I'm going to head off to the gym, then come back and take a nice relaxing bath, and try to get my mind past this. I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 12 - Cauliflower Pizza!...and other thoughts

2011-09-21T18:30:00.000-04:00

Well it's Day 12... as of this morning I'm weighing in at 227.0. I've only ever seen this # once on the scale before as an adult, and that was back this past spring when I was doing WW....but quickly jumped back up. So maybe by the end of this week I'll be in VFT (Virgin Fat Territory) as the WW boardies liked to call it. Basically being at a weight lower than you've ever been in as an adult.

I'm losing about a half pound a day (give or take a few ounces I'm sure...my scale rounds to the nearest half pound).

Today I was craving "the bad stuff" like mad even though I had eaten my "meals" as I normally do. Visions of hamburgers and double doozies (2 chocolate chip cookies with icing in the middle) danced in my head, and I was salavating like mad...ha. So I came home and tried this recipe I had seen on a blog of a gal also doing Medifast. And it turned out awesome! It's no papa john's but it hit the spot, and got in my lean and greans. (lean substitued by reduced fat cheese...it's on the vegetarians non meat guide).

Here's the recipe in case you are feeling adventurous or doing low carb:

1. Steam about 1/3 head of cauliflower until tender....not mushy!

2. Drain, and let it cool.

3. Grate the cauliflower over a cheese grater (or run through the food processor to make it real fine)...I did the cheese grater.

4. Preheat oven to 440 degrees.

5. Take 1 cup of the grated cauliflower and mix in a bowl with 1/4 cup of egg beaters, 2 oz shredded low moisture part skim mozzarella cheese, and a 1/2 tsp of pizza seasoning (or an italian seasoning of your choice such as oregano, basil, etc)

6. Take this mixture and either put it onto a pizza pan well coated in Pam or use parchment paper (I used parchment) so it doesn't stick. Spread it out real thin into about a 10" circle. Put in oven and bake for about 20 minutes or until the edges and top are really brown/crispy (the edges need to look almost burnt).

7. Take out the "pizza crust" and remove from parchment if you used it. Top with 3 tbsp of your favorite low sugar pizza sauce (I just use the Ragu pizza sauce). Then another 2 oz of the shredded cheese (or more if you aren't on a strict diet), and add your favorite toppings (I did mushrooms, black olives and a couple chunks of chicken).

8. Place back in oven just long enough to melt your cheese. Take out, cut and enjoy! Mine was cooked enough I could pick it up like a normal slice of pizza and fold it. Yummo!!

Depending on your toppings, yours may be different, but mine came out to about 400 calories (the whole thing). Not too shabby for an awesome "lean and green" meal ;)

Now I'm working on downloading an app to keep track of my calories/exercise as I'm not digging the one that TSFL has on their site... Ah, technology.

Well...onward!!

Day 9 - A little Lesson...ha!

2011-09-18T21:39:00.000-04:00

Well I think I did really well this weekend. Ate within Medifast's guidelines with a few extra lean/green's per my coach's suggestion on hiking day. But here's the lesson:

When embarking on a diet... don't volunteer to help with an event where you are helping to serve and clean up the food... especially if the menu includes awesome things like: pulled pork, roasted sweet potato wedges, baked beans, spice cake cupcakes...etc.

I really did shed a tear (just one), after having to smell it, and watch people eat it for 4 hours... But I stayed strong, and didn't have the first bite, but dang was it tuff.

As I sat on the golf cart holding the cupcakes in front of me as David drove us back up to the kitchen from the even tent... I said "If I avoid these cupcakes today, then maybe I can have Christmas cupcakes after I get some this weight off"...*sigh* But that's my strategy...if I can hold out now, I will get to my goal quicker and can start incorporating these type things back into my diet in moderation...

Onward!

Day 7 - Medifast

2011-09-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

Well today will wrap up my first week...and since I won't be home tomorrow morning (camping), I did a weigh in this morning and the scale said 229.5!...That's down 8 lbs in the first week! Excellent!

Overall it hasn't been too bad. Yesterday I had to run to the store to get some camping goods, and the isles were already packed with Halloween candy... and my tummy rumbled at me at the site and smells of the Deli... *sigh*. But I just stayed focused, and got out of there just fine. ;)

I went to the seminar that Janet & Dan (our two Health Coaches for Take Shape for Life here in Maryville) put on about once a month at the Chamber that has lots of info about the program, plus there were some members who shared their "success" stories and photos which is always amazing to see. It's encouraging to be able to talk face to face with the "results typical" folks and to ask questions and what not. I enjoyed it.

This weekend is camping/hiking. I'm a little nervous as to how my body will perform this weekend without the carb load, but heck, there's many guys in the group who have been low carbing it for quite a while and they still jet up that trail...so I'm sure I'll be just fine. I've got my "lean and green" ready for the grill tonight at the campground (steak, mushroom, bellpepper kabobs, with cooked squash/zuccini) And I have my Medifast meals packed up with some extra "lean" items for the trail....so no worries :)

Have a great weekend all! Onward!

Day 3 - Medifast....

2011-09-12T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well I've almost made it through day 3 on Medifast...and so far, so good....down 4lbs. I honestly haven't felt that crazy "I'm hungry, feed me now!" feeling, so that's a plus!

I am finding I am most hungry around 1:30 - 2:30, so I think I'm going to bump half my lean and green meal to lunch, and half to dinner and see if that helps.

I've tried quite a variety of the different "meals", and most I like, but there are some I don't like. Here's the run down not in any particular order:

Like and will buy again next month:
1. Caramel Crunch Bars (favorite!)
2. Lemon Meringue Bars
3. Peanut Butter Crunch Bars
4. Chocolate Chip Pancakes (just a smidgin above "okay")
5. Peach Tea (really good)
6. Banana Smoothie (really good)
7. Cranberry Mango cold beverage (really good)
8. S'more Crunch Bar (second favorite!)
9. Brownie (it's no homemade brownie, but for diet food, it's not bad!)

Just Okay:
1. Cinnamon Pretzel Sticks
2. Cheese Pizza Bites (kinda like a cheese puff consistancy)

Sending Back (you can try one packet of each box and if you don't like it you can send it back for exchange)
1. Homestyle Chili
2. Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal (I couldn't even force myself to finish this one...yuck!)
3. Beef Stew

Things I've bought but haven't tried yet:
1. Hot Chocolate
2. Cappucino
3. Softserve...2 flavors
4. Banana Pudding
5. Swiss Mocha

One of my favorite things about this diet is you get to track sex as exercise! Oh yeah... But sadly...it's only worth about 100 calories for a 45 minute "session"! Hahahahaha!! But that's a one up from weight watchers who wouldn't let you count it at all...

Onward!!

Day 1 - Medifast....

2011-09-10T14:23:00.000-04:00

I got my box in yesterday with my Medifast meals (you eat 5 a day, and one Lean & Grean meal...which is a lean meat and 3 servings of veggies) So I unpacked it into my pantry, and enjoyed one last decadent meal for a while last night with David and Sage (a friend via the hiking group) at the Melting Pot.

This morning, I got up and weighed, and had my first Medifast meal (which was a chocolate chip pancake...not too bad!). So far I've also had a banana shake which was yummy, and a chili, which I was not a fan of, but that's okay...it's trial and error with the meals.

I know the first week will be real tuff...but I'm gonna try my best ;)

Starting Weight: 237.5 (9/10/11)

Here's Where I Am... And What Comes Next....

2011-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back from vacationing in Alaska, and brought back a couple of pounds with me. Over all it was a very active vacation though... the best vacation I think I've ever had. We biked for 24ish miles, went on a couple hikes, walked to and around downtown ALOT....etc. It was great, and a vacation my prior self could never had handled and actually enjoyed.

BUT...getting on with reality, I have to admit how hard I've been struggling with my eating habits, and getting to the gym (don't ask me when the last time I went was...cause I can not remember...sometime before our trip). The scale is back up to 239...yep...239 I say, and I am feeling it. (It's amazing how lack of consistent exercise and a few lbs added + a lot of sugary/carb intake can make you feel like crap so fast....) So I have to really make a tuff decision...one I am excited about, but at the same time know some will not agree with....

From the beginning of my journey 5.5 years ago, I've always been stubborn in the fact that at the end, when I get to goal, I want to say "I did this by myself...no pill did it, no "diet" did it...I did it." Well, I've had to push through this pride issue and had to admit after struggling to push past the 230's (and stay there) for the past 3 years, "I need help!"...and so swallowing my pride...

I've decided to give a "real" diet a shot (definition of "diet" in this meaning "restricting oneself to eating a small amount of food or a specific kind of food in order to lose weight"...per the dictionary...not diet as in "food and drink consumed" definition). And out of the thousands of "diets" on the market, I've decided to join a Health Program called "Take Shape for Life". One of their health coaches is in our TNT group, her name is Janet, and she is going to be MY health coach. TSFL is a subsidiary for Medifast. I spent HOURS...and I do mean hours researching Medifast and TSFL this past weekend as I contemplated doing this. I researched the whole program, from history, to results, to the ingredients in it's foods (I don't do a bunch of processed junk....), to reading people's blogs who's been on it, to talking with a friend who is currently on it...someone I know would tell me the truth. I won't go into the specifics of its plan as you can do that if you wish by googling "take shape for life" or "medifast". I did my homework...so please do yours BEFORE you criticize. (don't mean to sound defensive...I'm just asking).

But the basic concept is to lower your calorie intake (don't worry...it's enough calories to keep your metabolism going, and for your body to function normally..this isn't HCG folks...), give your body all the vitamins and minerals it needs, reduce the carbs, get your body into ketosis (much like atkins thought), get down to a healthy weight.... during your weight loss, your health coach is giving you materials, assignments, accountability, and a friend to help teach you and reshape your relationship with food, and teaching you healthy habits to pick up. When the goal weight is reached, YOU ARE NOT DONE!!! (It's easy to lose on just about any "diet"...where people go wrong is they do not follow through afterwards to change those eating habits and quickly bounce back up). You continue to transition to maintenance, reintroducing more "real" foods, which of course you'll continue to eat the rest of your life. It's kinda like this: I'm not saying good bye to cheesecake forever, just until I get to my goal weight, and have learned how to balance it out with what my body needs (or something like that...)

I know this is going to be extremely tuff.... but I feel hopeful, and knowing I can call on Janet during my weak moments gives me the help/accountability I've been needing. I am going to give it my all for a solid month, and see how I feel. I have nothing to lose but some fat...ha! If it doesn't work..."no harm, no foul" as they say.

Some may say "well you may lose but you'll gain it all back"...here's a little truth for ya:
- I've maintained an 80lb weight loss (yes even with my eb and flow in the 230's) for almost 4 years.... which beats the odds (per some internet research - less than 20% of folks who have lost more than 10% of their body weight are able to keep it off for more than one year) Which means I know how to maintain like a champ... Talk to me when YOU have maintained that kind of loss for 4 years. (said with some "I rock" attitude..ha!)

I just need some help to get to my goal weight, and could stand to learn a thing or two about my relationship with food along the "weigh". Thanks for your support readers!! Whether I fall flat on my face, or get to goal, I'm thankful for you reading :)

I'm struggling...

2011-08-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

Usually when I haven't posted in several days...it means I'm failing and struggling. This last week and a half has been horrible. I'm not even sure where the first slip up came, but it's like once I give in to a craving, I get stuck in this cycle of eat bad food, feel horrible, don't workout, crave bad food again, eat bad food, feel horrible, no energy to work out....and the cycle goes on and on. And of course the scale is back up a few pounds as a result of my lazy attitude and eating what I want...

This past week has felt stressful...it really hasn't been, but I just feel so anxious about stuff...nothing in particular, but just anxious which brings on more food cravings.

Today I was "picked on" sort of for the first time in a long time. Okay not really picked on, but here's the story.... So I'm working at a clients office who has a help staff...(too much money, and too big of a house for one person to take care of so she has "help"). So the maid (who is about 35) and the male maid (what are they called??...who is about 75) are talking and I'm sitting working on some stuff. They are talking about one of his sisters who he hadn't seen in a while. I hear him say "oh yeah she's big...she's put on a lot of weight...she's almost as big as 'she' is"...the 'she' referenced is me. Now, he didn't realize I heard this or saw him point at me...but still it was a bit heartless. As I always do, I just internalized it and tried to pretend it hadn't hurt my feelings... but an hour later after scarfing down a big ole milkshake, I realized once again I was pacifying the hurt child in me with food.

It just goes to show no matter how far I think I've come, I'm still far from where I should be. And it's so depressing and feels hopeless. I feel like I need to go off to adult fat camp where my debit card and cash is taken, I'm fed things that are good for me and my choices are chosen for me. It's like once that first bad choice is made, I can't get out of that mentality/cycle for weeks...

We head off to Alaska tomorrow, and every vacation seems to always end up a food fest. My one hope is that this particular vacation is very outdoorsy centered...with hikes and biking planned. So hopefully I'll work off what I eat. And Anchorage isn't exactly known for it's food....like say New York was for us last summer. So I'll hope for the best.... ))struggles((

Feeling my size....I'm not there yet....

2011-08-15T08:58:00.000-04:00

This weekend was quite the physical challenge, or at least it felt that way. Saturday morning we did a moderately steep hike up of 4 miles then down a little over 8, and I just felt like I couldn't keep a good pace. We did finish the 12.7 mile hike in a little over 6 hours stops included, so I mean that is a 2mph hike... but I just didn't feel like I was doing my best.

Then Sunday I spent the morning working on the backsplash, then we went on a bike ride around house mountain. Within the first 3 miles I was already struggling. Now granted, it was hilly, but it didn't seem to phase the others, and I told David I just didn't think I could do this, but as always I pushed on through the tears of anxiety. I felt horrible for the group having to wait on me at every turn, but I really was doing the best I could. I had to walk my bike on a few hills, and had a few "tearfests"....but I did make it. The hike up proved to be equally challenging (we were after all climbing from the bottom of a mountain to the top of it)...and I was creeping up it. We came back down and rode the 5 miles back to the car which wasn't as bad. But I finished feeling accomplished, but also very aware of how far I still have to go... Some days I feel very in shape, and then I have weekends like this that remind me of where I really am and how far I have to go. I hope I'll use it as motivation to keep going.

On with Monday....

Week 3 down....

2011-08-10T11:40:00.000-04:00

What the scale said this morning: 228.0 (-9.5)

Thoughts...

I'm nervous... I'm reaching my "all time adult low" of 227 (the lowest I've ever been as an adult...). I've hit that number twice before, and both times I've bounced right back up to the upper 230's. I'm praying this time when I get there I'll just continue pushing forward.

3 weeks...9.5 lbs is a slow steady pace...I'll take it! Experience has taught fast is just not sustainable, and too much for my brain to adjust to.

A little nervous about pasta and wine tonight with the gals... but I'll do the best I can, and I'm already planning a workout in the morning to recover...ha! It's going to be a blast anyway, and laughter burns calories, and lowers cholesterol!

So far my eating this week has been pretty darn good.... my only "could do better" is eating late dinners... last night I didn't get a chance to eat until 9...monday it was after 8... so yeah, need to work on that.

Onward!

Oh my bootie... the weekend wrap up!

2011-08-07T19:53:00.000-04:00

Man it's been a great weekend. It's been a weekend full of exercise and tiredness...but the kind of tiredness that feels good because you know you've worked your body hard.

Saturday we did a trail maintenance day through GSH&A group partnering with the Trails Forever program. We were given the task of adding some signs to the new portion of the Grassy Branch trail where they've had to reroute it due to rock slides on the original trail. We also had the task of widening a portion of the trail since it is used for horses. To get to our trail, we had to hike in 2 miles with our tools and supplies, and we worked for a good 4 and a half hours, then hiked back out. It was tirering but very gratifying work. And it makes me have a better appreciation for the trails knowing what it takes (volunteer labor, hiking to work, etc) to maintain them. Great time! Afterwards we hit up the brewery again, but I was semi "good" I split a burger and broccoli w/ cheese with david, and had a beer... okay, okay, I know the beer wasn't the best choice... but ya know.

Sunday, we got up just in time to head to church, then had a brunch at cracker barrel (I heart the wholesome breakfast...a fruit/granola/yogurt parfait, turkey sausage, eggs, and a muffin). I knew we'd need some "energy" for what the afternoon was going to bring.... and that was a 27+ mile bike ride with the GSH&A group. It was the longest ride I've personally EVER done. Now granted most of it was semi flat...but there were a few hills. I sweated, I groaned, and I may have said a few curse words, but it was great fun, and tuff. Halfway through our ride we were at this little place in townsend that has food, and most importantly, ice cream! I got a dipped cone...a small one that ended up being huge. So I ate half the ice cream, dumped the rest in the garbage and at the cone. Now see if you were on a "diet"...they wouldn't allow that... but knowing the calorie expenditure I had on this ride, I earned it dang it! And it was good. We decided not to eat with the group after, because really...I'm not hungry. A bag of smart pop and a big glass of water while we watch Rio will probably get me through...ha! And a shout out to my awesome husband who wasn't thrilled about this ride because of some horror stories he's heard from locals hating the bike riders on this certain road...but did it because he loved me and I wanted to do it.... thanks babe!

I really enjoy the Great Smokies Hiking and Adventure Group because they really push me past what I would normally push myself to do. It's not that I can't do it...it's that mentally the "oldself" likes to whine and whisper in my head that I can't...and so I'll slow down. But with these guys, I'm just trying to keep up. And I really like the pace I push to maintain to keep up. ;)

So...great weekend... Minus one little issue I'm having and that's not being able to sleep well recently even though I'm exhausting myself physically... *sigh* I'll get it checked out if it persists, I promise.

Keep on Truckin....

2011-08-01T22:52:00.001-04:00

What the scale said this morning: 231.5 (-6.0)

Thoughts:
Well after Saturday's trip up, I quickly got back in gear and David and I hit the gym that night to work off my mini detour in good choices. Ha! That night we made his Dad a carrot cake for his birthday from scratch, and of course Sunday I had to have a piece or two...

BUT...we also met up with the GSH&A group and did a great 13 mileish ride here in Maryville/Alcoa. I know I burned off that cake plus some. We hit up El Sazon afterwards...and not only did I not even touch the chip bowl...I ate less than half of my quesadilla. So it was great.

Today was good as well. I ate good during the day, and for dinner made a Fig & Banana Smoothie. One of my clients has lots of fig trees, and has written a Fig Recipe Book....pretty cool, huh? Her figs are getting ripe, so I brought a few home for the smoothies. Pretty tasty. This weekend I hope to try this Salmon Fig recipe thing...ha. Anywho, back on track.... David and I hit up the gym again tonight. So I'm feeling good for the day. I hope tomorrow feels as "in control".

Night!

And she slips...unpreparedness & sabotage...

2011-07-30T12:46:00.000-04:00

Well the last two days I have not earned my dark chocolate dove promises (I give myself 2 at night if I've been "good" that day.)

Here's what went wrong...

Yesterday, I went to a clients and completely forgot to take a healthy lunch with me. My stomach cared not, and when it came lunch time, I was hungry, and there wasn't anything "real" to eat at said clients house...but chips and animal crackers. Hello carbs who do nothing but make you hungrier. While I didn't go off the deep end with my eating, I did eat quite a few carbs which just made me lethargic and hungry. Planning and being prepared is invaluable...*sigh*

Today....started off good with a small bowl of special K redberries. Then for lunch I made a PB&J sandwich with a bowl of sliced strawberries & light coolwhip. It would have been good, and satisfying.... Except, right as I was about to eat, my husband walks in with 2 very large plates of left overs from an event they had yesterday. He works as a cook, and when he first started he use to bring home food all the time. I finally had to say "please don't bring that stuff in our house....it's not healthy and is too much of a temptation for me. Have all you want there...but leave it there" And it's been a while since he has brought stuff home. Now in his defense I did say "oh I want one of the lemon bars... ONE".... But in he walks with not only about 5 lemon bars, but fried ravioli's, little salmon sandwiches on white bread, greek pizza and a steak. And as my will power is next to nil of course I went for some of the little sandwiches, a lemon bar, and had a half of one of david's fried ravoli. In reality it wasn't that much, but it rocked my boat so to speak, and within 2 minutes of eating it that feeling of disgust, dissappointment, and pissed offness that it was brought into the house set in.

I had this internal desire to "flee"...you know the fight or flight response...mine is flight. So I went and took a shower. Really it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just food right?.... But my home is the one place that normally doesn't bring anxiety around food, because I've made it a "safe haven". I've given myself good choices here...hardly anything bad. And I guess when something I perceive as unhealthy is brought in by someone else...it evokes those feelings of anxiety...but only after I've chosen to eat them. So it's still my fault... just pisses me off that I made the choice to eat it. GRRR!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day....

A variety of workouts.....

2011-07-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

This week has so far hosted quite the variety of workouts....

Monday morning was a nice "morning in the gym" workout on the treadmill (high incline of course) & elliptical...

Tuesday's workout was a great bike ride with the GSH&A group up in Oakridge....

Wednesday's workout was a great hike over at Concord Park again with the GSH&A group...(again...the "parks" around these parts are nothing like the nice open, barely any change in elevation, paved walking path parks I'm use to back in MS...they are hilly and give you a great workout).

And today (thursday) I had a very domestic type workout.... Cutting my very sloped back yard with a supposedly self propelled mower (though that whole self propelled thing goes out the window when you are pushing that bad boy up the hill...) AND I got a nice upper body workout as I peeled vinyl tile off my kitchen back splash, sanded it, painted it with a sealer/primer, and used my new wet saw to saw squares diagonally. Shew wee....I'm tired!

"Workouts" and "exercise" do not have to be boring. They are limited only by your willingness to try different things, and branch out a bit. Soap box moment: Housework...it's a great workout! Ever notice how most of those folks on "Hoarders" are overweight, out of shape and in bad health??!! Get to sweepin' man ;)

And that's my story of the day...ha!

1 week down....

2011-07-27T07:17:00.001-04:00

What the scale said this morning: 233.5 (-4.0)

Thoughts:

Well it's been one week, and it's been a great week. There isn't much I can say I'd do differently. I've been exercising, making good choices...so yeah!

Yesterday we had a nurse come to our home to basically do a physical for our life insurance policy. After hearing my resting heart rate and taking my blood pressure, she said "I can tell you are a very athletic person. Your heart rate is 53, and your blood pressure is 102 over 60. I can always tell from the inside how active a person is." Boy this made me feel good.... I just gotta work on looking active on the outside ha!!...

Which I did last night by taking a bike ride up in Oak Ridge with the GSH&A group. We had a great ride along Melton Lake. It was a hot day, but the water in the lake is so cool that it had a nice temperature when riding along the lake itself. Afterwards we went and had Mexican, and though I REALLY wanted a Margarita with the group, I could not justify the calorie hit I would have taken...it would have negated the bike ride all together. But I enjoyed the laughs and fellowship. They are a great group of peeps and I'm so thankful to be apart of them. My "oldself" would have never felt confident enough, nor been in shape enough to join a group like this. Today I'm going on a small hike with them (probably different members of the group) at a local park (the parks around here are hilly man...).

Onto another day!

Another weekend gone....

2011-07-24T20:39:00.001-04:00

This weekend has seemed to fly by, and yet, it was full.

Saturday I did a 14.2 mile hike up to Charlies Bunion via the Kephart Prong/Grassy Branch/Dry Sluice Gap/Appalachian/Sweat Heifer Trails (yeah I know...that's a lot of trail names). I got up right after David left (4:45a.m.) and hit the road at 5:20 a.m. After a stop for gas, and a potty break at Newfound Gap, I left the trail head at 7:20 a.m. and returned to my car at 5:00p.m The lowest point (my car) to the highest point along the trail was 3,600 feet. That's hard to visualize...but lets just say, that's like climbing 12 football fields worth of stairs...(good for toning your rear...hahaha!) Anywho, it was tuff...I don't know if it's because I just did a long hike last saturday (15 miler), and worked out pretty hard the previous two days, or if the trail was really that steep, but it was tuff. I stopped fairly often for not more than a minute...but it just felt like it was taking forever. Anywho, it was a good hike :)

And I actually didn't "pig out" afterwards. I had one sushi roll and some spring rolls with David at Anaba. I was pretty darn proud of myself.

Sunday (today) has been a pretty lazy day. David and I went up to Knoxville and we both bought new hiking boots. It's kind of sad to say good bye to my first pair...but the hole in them just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'd guestimate a good 300+ miles on them, so it was time. Can't wait to see where these new ones take me!!

I've made good choices in my eating this weekend. I didn't eat too much on the trail (a banana, 2 small granola bars, some turkey jerky for the sodium cause I was sweating like mad!!), had sushi for dinner, and today we had eggs for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and the Crust Delight pizza from Papa Murphy's and a salad, so I'm pretty proud of myself. Feeling good :)

Hope everyone has had a great weekend!!

"Friday, it's Friday"...

2011-07-22T09:02:00.000-04:00

What the scale said this morning: 235.0 (-2.5)

Thoughts:

Yesterday was another good day. Ate well, worked out for a little over an hour.

I'm really thankful for those of you who are reading and commenting. It really does make me feel like I have a comrade re around me. Support is great!

Last night I went to the gym fairly late (like 8:15ish). I enjoy going later in the evenings because it's quieter, and chances are I'll get a fairly close treadmill or eliptical in the Cardio Theater. I really am blessed to have a nice gym here in Maryville. We signed up when they were still building it and got a really good deal ($32/mnth)...and while I hear folks say they can't afford it, most really can. We choose what we spend money on, be it food/clothing/cars/cellphones/internet/massive quanities of pets or dolls or nicknacks/alcohol/allowing your child to be into too many expensive activities/cigarettes/entertainment such as bluray dvd's or video games..... It's all a choice. (rabbit trail...get back on topic Rebecca)

So anywho, what's funny about working out in the cardio theater, is I'm developing this list of movies for which I've seen only part of. Like Big Fish, Red Riding Hood (the new one), Eclipse, and last night it was Tron Legacy. I walked in about half way in, watched the last 40 minutes, then about the first 20.... I know how it ends, and know how it begins, but couldn't tell ya what happens in the middle....I'm sure there's some parallel to life in there, but I'm not that clever this morning.

So I'm off to client #1 today (we'll call them...client in the mansion on the lake...ha!)... I've got my gym bag packed, and will hit the gym afterwards, then come home and cut the back yard (mutant grass!), so I'll definitely get a good workout in today. Tomorrow I'm going hiking I think...I want to hike up to Charlie's Bunion the same hike the GSH&AG is doing next saturday, but I don't feel I'm quite in shape enough to hike the speed they ask on this one. Hopefully the weather won't be too bad.

Happy Weekend all!...

It's a brand new day! Day 1...

2011-07-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

What the scale said this morning - 237.5

How I felt today:

Hopeful...that is my word of the day. Maybe a bit scared...but overall hopeful.

As I walked in to my first clients' house who always has an abundance of candy...I mean a clear cookie jar full of "fun sized" reeses, butterfingers, almond joys, milky ways, etc...I could feel myself tense up. But thankfully I survived without grabbing a single one, which is no small feat, as my normal day there usually entails consuming 4 or more of these. I had a pretty decent lunch consisting of a Lean Cuisine Pizza (I know, I know... I'll get away from the processed crap soon), steamed Edamame (I have found my recent love for these...reminds me of boiled peanuts), and 3/4 of a banana (I got full and didn't want the rest).

Things I did right today:
- Stayed out of the Candy bowl!
- Didn't eat to avoid work (I do this often)
- Exercised for 1 hour at the gym tonight

Things I could improve on:
- Get away from the processed LC's
- Not eating in front of my computer screen...distracted eating is never good.
- Eating more veggies and lean protein at dinner instead of cereal.

This afternoon I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition on Hulu on the TV. It was about a guy who had a serious food addiction, and for once, the contestant didn't lose the weight. Chris (the trainer on the show) at one point became really angry telling the contestant (Wally) that he was "choosing" food, his addiction, over his wife and kids. And Wally broke down crying saying "I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I can't control it." And I could totally relate to that. I know that in my own struggle that I have had times where I knew a food would make me feel bloated and yuck, and in return I wouldn't want to be close to David. But I did not care, and wanted the satisfaction the food would bring in that moment, instead of intimacy with my husband later that day. In the end, Wally had to go to some sort of rehab for food addicts. And it's an eye opener to me of how bad it CAN get if I do not get a handle on my choices... One choice at a time....

THE NEXT PHASE - Who I Am...

2011-07-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

So here I stand at the Crossroads (mentioned in my first blog post)...

Over the past few months I've felt like the girl from 2005 who stuffs her face when she feels...feels anything...be it happy, sad, frustrated, unloved, loved, accomplished, bored. Food is comfort, food is pleasure. (If you don't struggle with emotional eating, you can not understand this concept, so I know you can't sympathize, so just be thankful you never formed this association with food.)

Over the past few months I have ferociously sought out information on how to get a handle on this...from books at the library on low carb diets, to countless internet articles on the effects of sugar, even so far as seeking help from a life coach who tried to get me to believe that my thinking of brownies as what I find yummy is simply an old belief that needed to be replaced by a new belief... None of it has truely helped me. In the end it comes down to an addiction...one that is going to be very hard to get over.

The addiction is hindering my ability to be who I am and who I want to be (an outdoors junkie & confident/sexy wife)

Here at the Crossroads, I can either push through this and get a handle on my eating, or I will continue to succumb to my desire for food, and WILL gain back everything I've ever lost. There is no doubt about that. It's a choice, and I am choosing to get a handle on my eating!!

How?...going back to the basics of exercise, eating responsibly (moderation, and healthier options), and blogging.

Exercise: I've really never had a big problem with this when I get in the swing of things. I have a great gym, an awesome bike path, and 900 miles of mountain trails near by.

Eating Responsibly: Folks will come out of the wood work with diet ideas (Medifast, MonaVie, Visalis, Adkins, Slimfast, HCG...don't get me started on this one!, Nutrisystem, and even Weight Watchers). But here's the thing...these are all diets, and sure you say you can keep them up for life, yada yada... But let me just say, No thanks!! I KNOW they work..really I do. But I know me. If I have to write it down, mix it up, or shoot it up I'm not going to do it. I will implement ideas from several of these. Like I like protein shakes like some of these offer...but I'm not paying an outrageous price for packets of Whey/Pea/Soy protein with added vitamins when I can get it myself from a great Protein powder like BSN's Lean Dessert protein powder and my multi vitamins. And I will cut back on the carbs...especially sugar...but not give up bananas even for a few weeks. And WW is great for portion control, but I don't want to keep a tally... I know what I should eat, what is a serving, etc. I have the knowledge, I just need to put it in practice.

Blogging: Blogging really helped me in the first phase of my "get healthy" journey, so I plan to blog often. Also, by posting my blog on Facebook for all of my friends/family to see, I hope to bring some friends in as a support team. David has offered to be my accountability partner, but I know that would only bring resentment from me when I stumble... so I'm bringing everyone else in on this.

Tomorrow it all begins. I'll get up, weigh, and will use this blog as a daily tool to record my thoughts/feelings/struggles/progress. I'm gonna be honest...and I hope not to offend. But no promises! haha!

Who I am:

2008 - mid 2011 - Love & Death...the Second Phase

2011-07-19T15:44:00.000-04:00

So in 2008 I started dating David. I had lost my accountability partner, was starting to feel a little "out of the loop" with my friends, and along came David. I won't go into details on our relationship (as there is yet another blog for that I had back then).

But I found myself spending my evenings sitting in the apartment waiting on him to get online so we could talk, and spent way less time being active after work. And of course my weight loss stalled.

One great thing that happened in 2008 though was I took my first hike in the Smokies with David to Grotto Falls. It's a moderate 3 mile round trip hike, and yet I felt like I was going to DIE! It was depressing...but it gave me a little motivation.

2009 overall sucked in general. JoAnn got married and I had to find another place to live but couldn't afford to live on my own. So I moved in with a coworker in her really nice house...but her sweet dog Canton drove my nose crazy, as did her male friend who insisted on jacking the volume up on the TV until 2a.m. on weeknights. It was an emotional roller coaster year with my emotions and with David, and food brought comfort. Then we moved to TN in December 2009 and a week later my dad died of a heart attack at age 57. I am very much a daddy's girl...and an only child at that. It ripped my heart out. And I DID NOT want to proceed with the wedding we had planned (marry david...absolutely! but not infront of our family/friends when my dad wasn't going to get to walk me down the aisle). But we did.... and between the day my dad died and walking down the aisle in April 2010, I gained about 15lbs.

After our wedding in 2010, I tried to regain control, but after stepping on the scale after our New York trip in July I was 256.0, I joined Weight Watchers for the 3rd time I think...the first two attempts didn't last long. I stayed with it until early 2011, and got down to 228. But over the past few months I've gone back up to the mid 230's, and am stuck here once again.

So overall I've yoyo'd from 256 to 228 over the past 3 years, and it has been very frustrating. My eating habits have been awful as of late, and I feel "addicted" to food.

Here's some good things though that have happened over the past 3 years:
1. I married David and have accepted the fact that I am worthy of love.
2. I'm a killer hiker.. I may not be losing, but my body is changing and my legs are strong.
3. I am a kayaker...scratched that off the "I wanna be" list!
4. I work out fairly regularly
5. I started my own business...

So....it's time to start the Next Phase.... Let's finish this!!!

Who I Once Was....The First Phase 2005 - 2007

2011-07-19T14:42:00.000-04:00

I've come to a Crossroads of sorts, but before I tell you where I am, I'll have to share with you where I came from....*cue the angelic flashback harp*

It was December 2005, I was 25 years old, and I had been out on my own post college, and in my own apartment for 1 year. After making some bad financial decisions, I had put myself in a real pickle, and was facing the reality, that I was going to have to move back in with my parents because I couldn't afford to live alone any longer. I had been well aware of it for months, and had emotionally eaten myself up to about 320lbs. Now I had been a big girl all my life.... I remember being around 260 during my high school years, and around the 280's my college years, but 2005 was a real bad year...especially those last few months.

One afternoon I remember going over to my friend JoAnn's apartment sitting on her couch and crying over the money issues, but even more so about my weight. Feeling gross, but knowing my previous attempts to lose weight had always failed. (I even visited the gym regularly back in 05, but a lot of good that did). Being the awesome friend she is, who also was working on her health (though she was many steps ahead of me), JoAnn said she would be my "little cheerleader on my shoulder".

It wouldn't be until April of 2006 (after tax season) that I actually really started my "journey". It started out small, working out or walking a few times a week, and cutting back on my food intake. In fact it was several weeks in before I bought a scale and stepped on it to see 316...which sent me to tears of course. I'm not sure where I REALLY started at, but I'm sure 320 is a good estimate. JoAnn was amazing at being my accountability partner and friend. She worked out with me, and we talked pretty much daily on where we were. By December of 2006 I had dropped 40lbs. 2006 was a miserable year as I tried to rebuild my finances, and lived with my parents who were avid smokers and have dogs...both of which I'm allergic too. So most of my time was either spent working, back in the 2 rooms of the house that was my area, or at the gym or walking at the park. So in a way, being focused on my health was real easy because it kept me out of a house I really didn't want to be in. (No offense meant to my family...they love me dearly and were there when I needed them the most...it just wasn't the ideal place for me).

Sidestory: In July of 2006 I started a blog entitled "Mountains to Climb & Rivers to Kayak"...it makes me laugh out loud to see it now, because at the time I had NEVER hiked, nor ever been in a Kayak. Wow...has that changed *cue foreshadowing*

In 2007 I managed to lose another 18 lbs, but it was getting ruffer. I enjoyed living in the apartment, and began to lose my accountability partner, who's goals has shifted from wanting to lose weight, to learning to run/walk a marathon. So as she put it...she couldn't wait for me to get to her level on the "mountain"...she needed to reach up to someone who was farther along than her, instead of extending her hand down to someone below her. Which I can totally understand, and am proud of what she accomplished. But not having a partner in this was very very hard. And I've come to find, it is still the missing link in my journey...even some 4 years later.

I lost slowly until about mid 2008...got down to 235 during the year...and this is where the first phase basically ended... and the second phase began... Love & Death...

Here are some pictures...me in Nov 2005 and where the first phase ended in 2008.....down 85 lbs.